IRC-Galleria

My mind hurts. A lot. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I curse the sun for causing this to me. I was never created to walk the earth at daytime. Nor to withstand the manifestations of human nature.

I saw a crane jump up and down on a field. Perhaps it was happy. I can not know. I don´t detect emotion through my own apathy. But if it was, perchance at least a little happy, the crane is wise. For such creatures have the advantage of not being what we.... no.... what YOU are. They are not human beings.

Animals live by intsinct. People live by an imaginative brain that constantly conjures up stunningly complex (but also helplessly transparent and fragile) webs of lies and deceit. I have come to the conclusion that this is the main reason for my solitude. As I do not lie in the same scale as referred to above, nor deceive, I do not show typical human qualities. Therefore, I am alone. This trend is strenghtened by the fact that humans are selfish and violent. As I show little or no signs of selfishness and do not strike females, I again do not show typical human (or male) qualities. Therefore, I am left alone. And as the final point in the triangle of solitude, I have morals that are somewhat strong. Humans are well known, one could say infamous, for their complete lack of morals. For people cast aside all rules as they consider only themselves and things they want to have for themselves.

I was a fool to hope
For an ending to this
With this I must cope
Pain, never feel bliss

I thank some for trying
But it is for no purpose
I´m always only crying
Feeling simply emptiness

Forever alone I only long
For the one smiling and
Singing the penguing song
For this I´ve lost my land.

I saw two dreams. The first one was about an infant I had with someone. She already knows of this, so I needn´t say anything else about that here.

The other one was.... odd.

I remember many bits. The first memory is of a woman in black. Call her an action hero of sorts. Black thight outfit of leather or polyvinylcloride plastic. She knows something. This I can tell. We´ll get back to her later on.

I was in a squad of sorts. We had large automatic rifles and all around military equipment. We were in a very old house at night. Apparently in attempt to catch ghosts or spirits. We couldn´t see any at this point. We decided to use an elevator to get to a lower level.

In there we wandered for a moment. Then I came across a window on the floor from which i could see into a large room below. There were people there.... or at least so I assumed. But something was off. They were gloomy. They were spirits. They were dead.

The ghosts were young. Teenagers. They appeared to be playing a sort of a slow pair dance over and over again. They may have had been doing that for ages. Then we fell among them. There was total chaos. The spirits started running. I remember gunshots. Electricity bursts from what I can assume to have been devices designed to catch spirits. I should obviously point out that the spirits did not know, that they were dead. some of them actually even seemed human. As they weren´t as gloomy as the rest.

In this chaos I saw the woman in black, she stuck out of the chaos and caught my eye. I knew that se knew what was going on. She may not have been aware of *everything*, but she knew a lot. I could tell.

Then I pulled out a very humanlike female spirit from the chaos, and sat her down on the floor to calm down. We were In a safe spot then. It was my friend Tindomerel. I tried to explain to her that she was dead. She was sceptical. But I also knew I had seen her before somewhere in my dream memory and realised that she was different. She wasn´t hopelessly dead as the rest of the dancing spirits in the room. I remember thinking "She´s different, there´s two of her.", but I don´t know the significance of it. But I knew I had saved her.

I woke up.

There are some odd things racing in my mind right now.... they just go in circles not being able to get out or solve themselves.

For one, I have too many social problems cramming up the space in my cranium. One there, two there and a couple of more somewhere. Everything is just so very difficult. Nothing works smoothly. And yet I have done nothing to bring all this on me. These problems came to me. Considering my past, one could almost find this amusing. Sadly I do not.

If life has a door somewhere along the way, in which side are you? Is the door open or closed? If closed, is it locked? If open, does it stay that way? Is it burning?

Does it matter?

No, but it does to me.

----

"So I try to close my eyes
And I´m dreaming me away
In my dreams you hold me tight
In my dreams you´re always near"

Eli ideana on laittaa winamppi shufflelle ja vastailla kysymyksiin biisien nimillä. Katon jos mikään osuisi edes sinnepäin :P Kopsattu Diablonicukselta

Mitä äitini minusta ajattelee?
laulu: Fatal Error
artisti: Apocalyptica
kommentti: xDD

Onko elämäni kulkemassa oikeaan suuntaan?
laulu: Out Of Nothing
artisti: Dark Tranquillity
kommentti: Oi kyllä.

Mikä auttaisi rahaongelmiini?
laulu: Trademeet
artisti: Michael Hoenig
kommentti: Jesh kauppaan vaan :D

Miksi muut ihmiset kadehtivat minua?
laulu: Moon Of My Nights
artisti: Kalmah
kommentti: Juu ei muuten pidä paikkaansa :P

Mikä auttaa tylsyyteen?
laulu: Dead
artisti: Norther
kommentti: Auttaa, auttaa ^^

Mitä piirrettä en ole itsessäni vielä tiedostanut?
laulu: The Oxidising Angel
artisti: Blutengel
kommentti: Hmm olen (piilo) hapettuva enkeli? Nojuu tarpeeksi monimerkityksellistä.

Millaiseksi muutun, kun vanhenen?
laulu: Fire Eye (Kill You)
artisti: Crowhead
kommentti: Sopii!! :D

Kehen/Mihin ihastun seuraavaksi?
laulu: Blitzkrieg
artisti: Deathstars
kommentti: "Salamasota".... hmm nojuu on se varmaan kuitenkin omalta kannalta parempi vaihtoehto kuin kukaan ihminen.

Elämän tarkoitus?
laulu: Perpetual Desolation
artisti: The Sins Of Thy Beloved
kommentti: "Ikuinen lohduttomuus/yksinäisyys/autius" Juu eiköhän se mene suunnilleen noin.

Mitä tämän jälkeen kannattaisi tehdä?
laulu: Cassandra
artisti: Theatre Of Tragedy
kommentti: Jaa että pitäisi tehdä Cassandra? No ei muuta kun projektiksi vaan :D

Seeing memories in my mind
Eyes closed, frozen shut
In there trying only to find
An image of warmth uncut

Ice on my face thawing
I see something red
Pair of eyes and a wing
Towards this I tread

As the memory stays
I again open my eyes,
Weap looking at ways
That beyond lids lies

I feel coldness as rain
I wish you could heal
My soul´s endless pain
Make the world unreal.

1. Kuvaile itseäsi yhdellä sanalla.
Väsynyt.

2. Kerro kaksi asiaa perheestäsi.
Ihmiset siinä on (1) vaikeita ja (2) Ei kovin anteliaita taloudellisesti.

3. Kolme asiaa, mitä olet tehnyt tänään.
Ollut töissä, syönyt snickerssejä ja ajanut 145 km/h

4. Neljä lempiväriäsi.
Musta, violetti, punainen, metalli.

5. Jokin viisikirjaiminen sana.
Morte

6. Biisi, jonka kuuntelit viimeksi.
Bal - Sagoth - The Dreamer In The Catacombs Of Ur

7. Kaksi asiaa, mitä teet seuraavaksi.
hmm... en ajattele kauheasti eteenpäin, mutta tota. Juon ja mietin elämääni.

8. Kolme asiaa, jotka ärsyttävät sinua.
Stereotyyppiteinit, teini-ihkuttajat ja epäkypsät ihmiset.

9. Neljä asiaa, joista olet onnellinen
Auts kauhean vaikea..... No kierrän tämän, premissinä olisi olla onnellinen ja sitä en ole.

10. Mainitse 5 kaveriasi nimeltä.
hmm.... Harri, Maaria, Jonna, Jenna, Mauno

11. Viimeinen sana, jonka sanoit.
....en ole moneen tuntiin sanonut mitään, ei voi muistaa.

12. Viikon kaksi parasta päivää.
Ne jolloin on lomaa kaikesta, viikon erityisellä päivän nimellä ei ole väliä.

13. Jotain, mitä sinulla on kolme.
Tuskallista ihmissuhdekokemusta.

14. Neljäs sana, joka tulee mieleesi.
miksi neljäs?
Kamera.

15. Mitä näet nyt yli viisi?
Aku ankan taskukirjoja

16. Yksi vaatekappale päälläsi.
Mustat sukat.

17. Jotain, mitä on kiva tehdä kaksin.
Jos nyt koitetaan pitää joku taso tässä, niin todetaan vaikka että halata (enkö ookin nyt sulonen)

18. Kolme turhaa asiaa elämässäsi
13 torahammas niittiä. Siinä on jo 3 + 10 ^^

19. Mitä teet neljän päivän päästä?
Tuskin mitään muuta kuin mitä en nyt tässä juuri tekisi.

20. Haasta neljä kaveriasi:
En. Kopioikoot jos tahtovat :D

If you see your world as it is
Then why do I see cruelty?
Is it me who is mistaken in bliss,
Feeling you breaking the frailty?

----

Apparently the skyscraper of morals has fallen in this plane of existence. I blame no one for practicing their ability to lie, to mislead or to deceive. They do what is right by them, I *apparently* can´t expect more than that.

Am I truly the only one who feels *some* empathy here? I expect very little of people today. But please. If I sacrifice a lot, I at least expect people show me some courtesy and be *honest* and keep_their_word. Why is this so much to ask? I can do it. I can´t be THAT unique.

I give you a piece of advice. If one intends to be evil, then follow the alignment of "lawful evil" and be very careful about giving your word. As obviously it is too difficult for you conceited, wretched humans to keep your word.

And no, this does not mean I´ve made a decision. I still need my time.

Obviously I should define humans as a species, who have a tendency of being deceitful. One could almost say that it is a "human" quality. Does this mean that I am not human? If we follow the before-stated rule then I am ,at least, inhuman. This thought makes me very woeful, sad.

I sigh and costantly feel pain in this world created for us. This is my way of throwing my thoughts into the wind. Understand that.... I feel no anger, no bitterness.... I was always right. And still I feel disappointment.

Hope is a dangerous thing. It can drive a man to have faith. To believe in the future. It creates a somewhat intact world, which will once again be brought down by a cataclysm of pain and misfortune. This is a rule that has almost no exceptions. Almost. Still, so far such exceptions have successfully eluded my path. Therefore, I do not believe in such miracles. Until hope reaches me. Hope would render me potentially vulnerable to more misery. Do I really need it?

Blutengel - Die With You

"You do everything for me
Protect me from the shadows
You hold me when I´m falling
Chase all the bad dreams away

You hear me when I´m calling you
Wash away my tears
My blood is poisoned
My soul is aching
I´ll die for you once more

But once you hurt me
And I can´t forget the pain
The razorblades inside my soul
Inside my soul

I try to forget you
I try to love you
But I hurt you all the time
I can´t forget you
I´m afraid to touch you
And I always see you cry.

Let me die
I could die with you again
Let me die
I could die in your arms again
Let me die with you."

----

What is the point of being a werewolf in the night if the moon no longer shines?