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If I could think a bit more at the moment, I might be able to create something a bit more.... profound. But I´m too sick to say anything artistic.... I´m cold....

I turn my sad face
Again somewhere north
Crippled by life´s mace
I somehow go forth

I see something blue
Hanging in shining black
I realise that it´s you
I won´t now turn back

A word I must send :
Towards you I´ll run
The light at the end
Of the world for one.

Open your eyes. See the true color of this world. The sun no longer rises above the horizon... it no longer even creates a fading red light into the distance. The moon no longer exists in this realm. This plane of existence no longer needs such lightsources. The sky is lit by fears too agonizing to be spoken aloud... fears too devastating for anyone to give them names. They create a shimmering hopeless red light, that seems to glow in every dead being lying on the ground. It gathers around them draining them from their last bits of body heat. The glow waits for the rest to perish as well, so it could devour their flesh. When you visit this place, and see me walking there looking at you...remember.... there´s no way out. Not for me.... not for you. If I can see you, you´ve become a part of this world and will no longer see light... as hope. Only as a deceiving entity that will kill you in the end. See the world in my eyes, where hope becomes fear, and fear destroys... everything.

Imagine.... if one day... people could no longer see. What would happen to the concept of "beauty"? Would it after a while be defined by scent? Of course sounds can be beautiful, but I´m talking of visual beauty. Perhaps it is worth a try. If one can´t see beauty, one doesn´t feel pain. With the exception of physical pain of course.

Or is it actually like that? Perhaps not entirely, but beauty is a cruel concept that has a main function of hurting people. People generate affections to beautiful things and people, and feel pain when those beautiful thing are lost.

But no.... not all mental pain would be lost. Beauty doesn´t create all of it. Most likely not even by a long shot. But beauty, in the end, creates only pain. At least in this world with these morals to live by.

If all beauty would be gone and enough generations would pass, so no one anymore knows of anything beautiful, I suggest that people would be much happier with great many less cares and sorrow... wouldn´t that be a sight?

My mind hurts. A lot. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I curse the sun for causing this to me. I was never created to walk the earth at daytime. Nor to withstand the manifestations of human nature.

I saw a crane jump up and down on a field. Perhaps it was happy. I can not know. I don´t detect emotion through my own apathy. But if it was, perchance at least a little happy, the crane is wise. For such creatures have the advantage of not being what we.... no.... what YOU are. They are not human beings.

Animals live by intsinct. People live by an imaginative brain that constantly conjures up stunningly complex (but also helplessly transparent and fragile) webs of lies and deceit. I have come to the conclusion that this is the main reason for my solitude. As I do not lie in the same scale as referred to above, nor deceive, I do not show typical human qualities. Therefore, I am alone. This trend is strenghtened by the fact that humans are selfish and violent. As I show little or no signs of selfishness and do not strike females, I again do not show typical human (or male) qualities. Therefore, I am left alone. And as the final point in the triangle of solitude, I have morals that are somewhat strong. Humans are well known, one could say infamous, for their complete lack of morals. For people cast aside all rules as they consider only themselves and things they want to have for themselves.

I was a fool to hope
For an ending to this
With this I must cope
Pain, never feel bliss

I thank some for trying
But it is for no purpose
I´m always only crying
Feeling simply emptiness

Forever alone I only long
For the one smiling and
Singing the penguing song
For this I´ve lost my land.

I saw two dreams. The first one was about an infant I had with someone. She already knows of this, so I needn´t say anything else about that here.

The other one was.... odd.

I remember many bits. The first memory is of a woman in black. Call her an action hero of sorts. Black thight outfit of leather or polyvinylcloride plastic. She knows something. This I can tell. We´ll get back to her later on.

I was in a squad of sorts. We had large automatic rifles and all around military equipment. We were in a very old house at night. Apparently in attempt to catch ghosts or spirits. We couldn´t see any at this point. We decided to use an elevator to get to a lower level.

In there we wandered for a moment. Then I came across a window on the floor from which i could see into a large room below. There were people there.... or at least so I assumed. But something was off. They were gloomy. They were spirits. They were dead.

The ghosts were young. Teenagers. They appeared to be playing a sort of a slow pair dance over and over again. They may have had been doing that for ages. Then we fell among them. There was total chaos. The spirits started running. I remember gunshots. Electricity bursts from what I can assume to have been devices designed to catch spirits. I should obviously point out that the spirits did not know, that they were dead. some of them actually even seemed human. As they weren´t as gloomy as the rest.

In this chaos I saw the woman in black, she stuck out of the chaos and caught my eye. I knew that se knew what was going on. She may not have been aware of *everything*, but she knew a lot. I could tell.

Then I pulled out a very humanlike female spirit from the chaos, and sat her down on the floor to calm down. We were In a safe spot then. It was my friend Tindomerel. I tried to explain to her that she was dead. She was sceptical. But I also knew I had seen her before somewhere in my dream memory and realised that she was different. She wasn´t hopelessly dead as the rest of the dancing spirits in the room. I remember thinking "She´s different, there´s two of her.", but I don´t know the significance of it. But I knew I had saved her.

I woke up.

There are some odd things racing in my mind right now.... they just go in circles not being able to get out or solve themselves.

For one, I have too many social problems cramming up the space in my cranium. One there, two there and a couple of more somewhere. Everything is just so very difficult. Nothing works smoothly. And yet I have done nothing to bring all this on me. These problems came to me. Considering my past, one could almost find this amusing. Sadly I do not.

If life has a door somewhere along the way, in which side are you? Is the door open or closed? If closed, is it locked? If open, does it stay that way? Is it burning?

Does it matter?

No, but it does to me.

----

"So I try to close my eyes
And I´m dreaming me away
In my dreams you hold me tight
In my dreams you´re always near"

Eli ideana on laittaa winamppi shufflelle ja vastailla kysymyksiin biisien nimillä. Katon jos mikään osuisi edes sinnepäin :P Kopsattu Diablonicukselta

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Seeing memories in my mind
Eyes closed, frozen shut
In there trying only to find
An image of warmth uncut

Ice on my face thawing
I see something red
Pair of eyes and a wing
Towards this I tread

As the memory stays
I again open my eyes,
Weap looking at ways
That beyond lids lies

I feel coldness as rain
I wish you could heal
My soul´s endless pain
Make the world unreal.