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olen täynnä

olen täynnä katkeruutta ja vihaa
musertavaa surua
kaipuuta
ja kipua

minä en rukoile
mutta anna armoa
sinä siellä jossain
onko minun pakko jaksaa?

onko minun pysyvä kipuni
kaipuuta siitä jostain
mitä en voi enää saavuttaa?
voiko kipua lieventää
jos ei ole lääkettä

voitko sinä lieventää?
vai olenko vain tuomittu
tähän todellisuuteen

minääni

HOLD ON A BIT LONGER.

touch my skin a bit harder and
push the mindless thought of the end
to the back of the wall so it shatters

grip your legs a bit rougher

make sure you feel alive enough to
push it off your shoulders
and wonder why it feels so good and
make sure

you're alive

I don´t know why I´m dissociating so much again,
but being with my lover makes it bearable.

usually if I had been conscious for a while and started dissociating again I´d wanted to rip my head off and knit a noose from toilet paper or something.
but with him it only makes it slightly less unbearable.
I can manage, even if I don´t feel real..
even if he doesn´t feel real.

no one around me seems like a real person.
often times I feel like I´m just a badly coded NPC from a shitty, underbudget made game and it´s story is horribly depressing.
I bet I´d get bad reviews as a character.
maybe.

and the fact that even though I dissociate half the time,
and am unsure of intimacy,
he respects all of it.
he does more than the bare minimum and somehow that still amazes me.
it is
freeing.

it´s a kind of relief I didn´t think I´d experience.
someone respecting my pace and my boundaries and prioritizing me.
I feel really grateful for a thing everyone deserves.
love, respect and thoughtfulness.

I really love him.
even if half the time nothing feels real,

but being in his arms,

feels like a home I never knew.

and I´d like to be home all the time.

you have loved my thoughts,
my stomach,
my scars.

you have loved every fibre,
every smile,
every laugh.

you have showed me,
how it feels like to be loved,
unconditionally.

you have hugged me,
like a child,
that always needed one.

you have showed me,
what it´s like to feel safe,
you have love.

i do not know if i will ever,
truly,
be able to tell you..

but for you i am forever grateful.

for your love has changed me,

and i shall cherish you,

until this world is no longer.



i feel like i am truly in love.

and i hope it will never fade.

for you, A.

The blue lights reflects on my skin.
It doesn´t feel any different than any other light,
nor does it differ from anything else I ever think I feel.

The way I pick my nails involuntarily, or I bite my cheeks.
Until they bleed.
I don´t know how to stop.

-

Do you think the same thoughts I do?
Do you overthink?
Do you consistently choose to share your time with me?
Do you do this on purpose?
Am I reading too much into it?

I do. I know I do.

I´m reading too much into this.
Why do I even bother to have hope?
That sounded really shitty.

-

I inhale it so smoothly.
Not a care in the world of what it´ll do to me.
I don´t bother to think about it.
Or anything, for that matter.

I look at your picture, wondering how your hand would feel in mine.
how hugging you would feel like.
I wondered if.. your smile was genuine.
does it radiate? like it used to?
how did all of it feel.

your life.


I wonder how you saw me?
you can´t see me now, you can´t know me..
you have never seen me grow up.
I wonder how it would have felt to talk with you...
as adults.
what your life would have looked like at 30?


would you be proud of me as I am now?

a mess..

searching for you..

It´s a comfortable temperature in my place.
If only I could stop sweating due to mania and anxiety that is.
The tower-like fan is always on,
yet the air stays the same.
The way my shirt touches my chest makes me feel like,
I´m suffocating.

The mirror opposite my bed reflects the posters in my alcove.
My clothes hang on a portable hanger to the left of my mirror.
My left foot feels uncomfortable in socks.
My breathing is unsteady.

I don´t trust my thoughts.

I don´t trust my choices.

I don´t trust the voices.

For I have longed you

the years have passed

too slowly for my liking-

yet still early.


time does not heal

it strengthens

do not confuse the two-

for i have mistaken it once too many times.


kiss it off me

make me forget

drown my every sense

so there be not a chance

of a single thought occurring.


remember me

like I once did

but I hope

you still know me


my heart aches for you

it rips its flesh off

morbidly painless

yet deadly


please remember me


For I Have Forgotten Your Voice.

Sitä unohtuu arvostamaan niitä ihmisiä ketkä on oikeesti sun ympärillä, ja ketkä on pysyny siinä kans. Joskus unohdan miten arvokas olen ihmisille.

Lähiaikoina on tuntunu enemmän sekavalta ja.. hukassa olevalta kuin yleensä. Tai, no, ihanku sitä ei aina tuntis mut..


Joku vaan ei oo kohallaan. Ne kaikki palaset on mun ympärillä mut en tiedä edes millanen palapeli siitä pitäs tulla. Mitä etsin, mistä aloittaa.


Tai mikä lopputulos on.


Uudet asiat, vaikeat asiat ahdistaa, pelottaa ja lamauttaa.

Jos vain muistais kerätä sitä voimaa ja antaa niitten ihmisten vahvistaa sua, koska ne on just siinä. Vierellä.


It was never a loveless start, it was just an unexpected one.


It was never a loveless end, as there is no end.



Not for you, for you are in my heart and soul.

And I shall carry you every step of the way.

Getting into the backseat of a cold car, in a winter evening.
The seat, the seatbelt, cold to the touch. Your breath misting up to a small cloud of smoke when you breathe out.
Drawing a smileyface or heart to a window on your right.
It´s dark out and it isn´t even 6pm.
Just after dance practice, legs feel weak.
A mother crying into the steering wheel just after she pulled out of the parking lot, not getting far after receiving a call.
Sobbing quietly to not disturb her child.


After an uncomfortable silence and words unsaid she turns, and says..
"Wille isn´t here anymore."
Somehow knowing exactly what that meant even if you do not own any perception or understanding of death.
But you knew.

The sad ride home, both of your sobs filling up the car.
Getting home and calling the only two people you know to call, your best friend and your father.
Father coming to our house to comfort me and cry along side me.


The following day, and the only thing worth remembering..
The blue walls and tables of an elementary school canteen.
The empty seats beside you, wondering how long it has been since class started.
Not even realizing you were left alone.
The lunch-lady standing beside you, not allowing you to leave unless you've eaten at least a small bite.

Looking at the vegan meatballs on your creamy white plate.
The food doesn't look appetizing.
Taking a small bite, not enjoying it- almost gagging.
The lunch-lady letting you go, and you go out to empty out your plate.

Spitting out the burnt-tasting meatball.

Going home to find you aren't in your own room.


Yet you never were.