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miksi sinä et kuule minua

pystynkö rakastamaan?
olenko siihen tarpeeksi vahva
tiedänkö mitä rakkaus on?

jos voisin olla varma

miksi en ole varma?

sinä et ole se joka riisti minulta
mahdollisuuden rakastaa
etkä myöskään se
joka pidätti minulta rakkautta

olenko vain liian kaukana?
etäännynkö minä niin
että en tunne?
en tee sitä tahallani
minä lupaan

minä en vain kestä
niin monta asiaa ja tunnetta
minä en ole

se on se ongelma

missä olen?

siellä auton takapenkillä
minun äitini itkee
minä itken
minä itken

minä itken vieläkin

käperryn
minä kiedon itseni nipuksi
solmuksi
minä kietoudun
ja minä sulkeudun

minulla on kylmä
en voi liikkua
minä tärisen
ja totean
että en halua liikkua

minä en jaksa
minä haluan
minä en pysty
minä haluan
minä en halua
minä haluan
sitä
mitä en halua

olen täynnä

olen täynnä katkeruutta ja vihaa
musertavaa surua
kaipuuta
ja kipua

minä en rukoile
mutta anna armoa
sinä siellä jossain
onko minun pakko jaksaa?

onko minun pysyvä kipuni
kaipuuta siitä jostain
mitä en voi enää saavuttaa?
voiko kipua lieventää
jos ei ole lääkettä

voitko sinä lieventää?
vai olenko vain tuomittu
tähän todellisuuteen

minääni

HOLD ON A BIT LONGER.

touch my skin a bit harder and
push the mindless thought of the end
to the back of the wall so it shatters

grip your legs a bit rougher

make sure you feel alive enough to
push it off your shoulders
and wonder why it feels so good and
make sure

you're alive

I don´t know why I´m dissociating so much again,
but being with my lover makes it bearable.

usually if I had been conscious for a while and started dissociating again I´d wanted to rip my head off and knit a noose from toilet paper or something.
but with him it only makes it slightly less unbearable.
I can manage, even if I don´t feel real..
even if he doesn´t feel real.

no one around me seems like a real person.
often times I feel like I´m just a badly coded NPC from a shitty, underbudget made game and it´s story is horribly depressing.
I bet I´d get bad reviews as a character.
maybe.

and the fact that even though I dissociate half the time,
and am unsure of intimacy,
he respects all of it.
he does more than the bare minimum and somehow that still amazes me.
it is
freeing.

it´s a kind of relief I didn´t think I´d experience.
someone respecting my pace and my boundaries and prioritizing me.
I feel really grateful for a thing everyone deserves.
love, respect and thoughtfulness.

I really love him.
even if half the time nothing feels real,

but being in his arms,

feels like a home I never knew.

and I´d like to be home all the time.

you have loved my thoughts,
my stomach,
my scars.

you have loved every fibre,
every smile,
every laugh.

you have showed me,
how it feels like to be loved,
unconditionally.

you have hugged me,
like a child,
that always needed one.

you have showed me,
what it´s like to feel safe,
you have love.

i do not know if i will ever,
truly,
be able to tell you..

but for you i am forever grateful.

for your love has changed me,

and i shall cherish you,

until this world is no longer.



i feel like i am truly in love.

and i hope it will never fade.

for you, A.

The blue lights reflects on my skin.
It doesn´t feel any different than any other light,
nor does it differ from anything else I ever think I feel.

The way I pick my nails involuntarily, or I bite my cheeks.
Until they bleed.
I don´t know how to stop.

-

Do you think the same thoughts I do?
Do you overthink?
Do you consistently choose to share your time with me?
Do you do this on purpose?
Am I reading too much into it?

I do. I know I do.

I´m reading too much into this.
Why do I even bother to have hope?
That sounded really shitty.

-

I inhale it so smoothly.
Not a care in the world of what it´ll do to me.
I don´t bother to think about it.
Or anything, for that matter.

I look at your picture, wondering how your hand would feel in mine.
how hugging you would feel like.
I wondered if.. your smile was genuine.
does it radiate? like it used to?
how did all of it feel.

your life.


I wonder how you saw me?
you can´t see me now, you can´t know me..
you have never seen me grow up.
I wonder how it would have felt to talk with you...
as adults.
what your life would have looked like at 30?


would you be proud of me as I am now?

a mess..

searching for you..

It´s a comfortable temperature in my place.
If only I could stop sweating due to mania and anxiety that is.
The tower-like fan is always on,
yet the air stays the same.
The way my shirt touches my chest makes me feel like,
I´m suffocating.

The mirror opposite my bed reflects the posters in my alcove.
My clothes hang on a portable hanger to the left of my mirror.
My left foot feels uncomfortable in socks.
My breathing is unsteady.

I don´t trust my thoughts.

I don´t trust my choices.

I don´t trust the voices.

For I have longed you

the years have passed

too slowly for my liking-

yet still early.


time does not heal

it strengthens

do not confuse the two-

for i have mistaken it once too many times.


kiss it off me

make me forget

drown my every sense

so there be not a chance

of a single thought occurring.


remember me

like I once did

but I hope

you still know me


my heart aches for you

it rips its flesh off

morbidly painless

yet deadly


please remember me


For I Have Forgotten Your Voice.