-Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
-It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married
-All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER
-I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more
-In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out
-We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police
-I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
-Life is just one damned thing after another
-A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
-"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."-Winston Churchill
-"Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol."
-There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.