IRC-Galleria

For some time now, i've been depressed, and i've been suffering
from anxiety, as well as from the lack of inspiration of any kind.
Been talking to doctor about it, eaten medicines for it, trying to shut it
out of my mind.
Now, you all surely are thinking of whats going on in my head.

The Answer is simple.

Overwhelming fear of death. Period.

I agree, that thinking about it excessively, isnt healthy, but in the end,
what is healthy as a definition?, as from the moment of your birth, your
body starts to crumble and decay slowly, no matter what you do.
My fear of death, isnt the fear of it coming all the sudden, but instead,
thinking it, while generally just waiting for it, is what i fear.

Walking on this earth a small lifetime of some 80 years or so, is kind of
pointless, and the way i see it, what are we than just a whisper in the vast
universe, thinking our doings and values are so important, when in reality, it
doesnt matter at all. My attitude towards work, and getting education and a
degree, has changed radically in these last 3 months. All i believe in, are the peoples around me,
living on this same and only age with me, that we are ever going to live in. As i've put it nicely,
i got a nice phrase about doing work:

"Work is just and excuse for humans to spend their time, doing something what
they think is important - with their time, and to be active, keeping their
thoughts away from death. It gives us almost a god like feel, where we simply deny it's
existence in this modern world, thinking that it happens only to some people sometimes
somewhere".

What i fear about in death, is that i think it's just fucked up to cease to exist.
After that, all that you've so excitedly studied and worked for, has no value.
Many people say, that if we could live forever, it would be kinda boring..well guess what?
It's hell of a lot more interesting than just being dead...(hysterical laugh).
And for me, there aint no concept of heaven or hell, or any of that afterlife fairytale
shit, that every lunatic out there are thinking, for religion has only been invented
to alleviate people's fear of death, by telling fairytales of eternal life in the heaven...
That shit aint gonna happen.. When you are dead, you have no mind, feelings, personality,
consciousness. The Dead poeple dont know nothing.

The way i see it, kinda fuckd up, because an eternity spent being dead is quite a fucking long time now isnt it?

I have many people, friends, and things in life that im afraid to let go of, and for me,
it is really painful and depressing to try to accept, that all that i've cared for, and all
people that i've had fun with, will cease to exist, why in the heck it has to be that way.

FUCK!


P.S

And the reason of why i drink and hang out with friends at the bar at weekends, is the one laid out above, my girlfriend, family, and friends around me, are the only truth for me.

So, if you're with me at the bar, wonder not, when i offer a round, for it's my way of showing you all, that it aint about money or bragging, it never was.