IRC-Galleria

Happy.... no. Well... a "new" year anyways. It might be a touch nai´ive to wish for a happy year, as there´s been 19,34 such with more bad than good. Don´t get me wrong, many good things have happened too. I´ve had my few laughs... smiles... I´ve even felt love long ago... long... ago. I just hope that this is not the end to all that... that´s all.

I´ve been betrayed so many times over and over again, that I may have lost something. My ability to be completely open. The ability to look at people without predjudices... therefore my "wisdom" has finally looped so far that I *think* I know someone by their actions while in reality I don´t. I´ve judged someone harshly twice because of this. That person never deserved it... at least... nowhere near all of it. For this.... for what it´s worth... I´m sorry.

A *nice* move. Seriously.

There are three words I need to hear and know.... and sixteen of them are dead. Eight of them are included in the first part. Therefore I have one life left. The second part has four. They are all misunderstood and all of them have lost most of their meaning over the millenia. Of those four, two are too deceitful and filled with lies to be of any use to anyone. The other two are both true but so far away from each other that they can never understand each other, nor co-exist. The third part also has four. Through misinterpretation no one really knows anymore if this part is actually just one or are all four different beings. I know. But do you?

Puren ihmisiltä päät irti ja ripustan niiden sisäelimet pyykkinarulle käänteisessä aakkosjärjestyksessä. Siis ei saatana oikeesti.

OLEN :

[ ] mustasukkainen
[ ] temperamenttinen
[ ] hiljainen
[ ] laiska
[ ] helposti innostuva
[x] itsepäinen
[x] hyvä kielissä
[x] huonosti ruskettuva
[/] tuhlaajatyyppiä
[ ] muodinmukainen
[x] elokuvafriikki
[/] äidinkieliperfektionisti
[x] riippuvainen jostain

TÄLLÄ HETKELLÄ

[x] minulla on nälkä
[/] haluaisin kuolla
[ ] olen onnellinen
[ ] minulla on liikaa energiaa
[x] tahtoisin tappaa jonkun henkilön
[ ] itkettää
[ ] olen meikannut
[ ] olen tylsistynyt
[ ] ulkona paistaa aurinko
[/] haluaisin lähteä shoppailemaan
[ ] odotan jotain tiettyä päivää

MINULLA ON

[ ] ihana perhe
[ ] paljon valokuvia
[ ] aina karkkia jemmassa
[x] kuvat irc-galleriassa
[ ] ihan uusi kännykkä
[x] paljon dvd-elokuvia
[ ] yli 5 farkut
[ ] todella paljon vöitä
[x] pitkät hiukset
[ ] papukaija tai undulaatti
[ ] rakennekynnet
[ ] "alistajalasit"
[ ] lakatut varpaankynnet
[ ] farkkuminihame
[x] vähintään 3 tätiä
[ ] reikiä hampaissa

PELKÄÄN

[ ] kuolemaa
[ ] petetyksi tulemista
[ ] valehtelua
[ ] jotain tiettyä ihmistä
[ ] koiria
[ ] väkivaltaa
[ ] että joku yrittäisi raiskata minut
[ ] hämähäkkejä
[ ] ukkosta
[ ] ufoja
[ ] verta

EN KOSKAAN TEKISI TÄTÄ

[ ] poseeraisi alasti (kaikella on hintansa. Parikymmentä tonnia - Miljoonia käteen niin mikäs siinä)
[x] myisi itseäni
[x] kokeilisi huumeita
[ ] viiltelisi itseäni
[ ] pahoinpitelisi ketään
[ ] ostaisi vaatteita kirpputorilta
[x] pettäisi seurustelukumppaniani
[ ] laulaisi karaokea julkisella paikalla
[ ] joisi itseäni umpihumalaan
[ ] lukisi Raamattua
[ ] näyttäisi keskisormea vanhuksille
[ ] varastaisi mitään
[x] veisi jonkun muun seurustelukumppania

OLEN TEHNYT JOTAIN SEURAAVISTA

[ ] leikannut itse hiuksiani
[ ] syönyt mustekalaa
[ ] yrittänyt itsemurhaa (ei tarvitse, biologia hoitaa)
[ ] käyttänyt itseruskettavaa
[x] ollut vähintään 2 päivää syömättä mitään
[ ] tehnyt abortin
[ ] pitänyt kotibileet
[ ] muuttanut pois kotoa
[ ] tehnyt itse toffeeta
[ ] soitellut pilapuheluita
[x] saanut 10 historiankokeesta
[ ] unohtanut lempipaidan jonnekin
[ ] käyttänyt Playboypupu -vaatteita

TULEVAISUUDESSA HALUAISIN

[ ] suurperheen
[x] olla menestyvä artisti
[ ] olla itsevarmempi
[ ] valmistua lääkäriksi
[ ] isot satuhäät
[/] asua ulkomailla (Briteissä vois olla ihan jees...ehkä)
[ ] lähteä vaihto-oppilaaksi tai au-pairiksi
[ ] uskaltautua kuntosalille
[ ] opiskella
[ ] työskennellä kaupan kassalla
[ ] rohkeutta olla oma itseni
[ ] silikonit
[ ] viettää vauhdikkaita sinkkuvuosia, joita voi hieman häpeissään muistella vanhempana
[x] hypätä laskuvarjolla

Tehköön ken tykkää.

For weeks now I have just lost patience to everything. To people, to the world..... to justice.... *everything*. I´m starting to think, that all that bottled up anger over the years is finally consuming me. All the traumas in my ancient past that would justify the deaths of almost everyone I knew.... all the "fated" biological tragedies I´ve faced... the broken hearts I´ve felt scraping my intestines with tiny shards that will never move on.... everything. I´ve swallowed everything with an ironic smile and seemed insane on the outside. For reasons unknown to me, my current social status helps create more anger and loss of patience. At some point I stopped caring so long ago.... but apparently my sub-conscience never did. All the immoral selfish acts I have endured from everyone. And given selflesness in return.... and of course gotten more selfish acts in return from these people.

Hate.

Already so many times now, I´ve been so close to snapping and attackin whoever with bare hands or worse.... I am so close. In this state it´s sort of ironic in a fate-sort-of-way that everytime I try to see someone they say that they are busy at best. Usually they just say "Sure, let´s meet" and never be heard from again.... or at least until the current week has passed or so. Or by the very least the day on which we were supposed to meet. I don´t really care too much for that.... or so I thought... as I learned at a very early stage that beautiful individuals are.... how should I put this.... *completely* rotten inside. So what else is new?

Insane Anger.

A great deal of my nightly thinking alone here consists of remembering situations when I should have attacked.... killed.... someone. I will take nothing from anyone anymore by just forgiving silently and being nice. If you get lucky I´ll hate and despise you silently.... *if* you remain silent, or at least won´t bring up a subject that cuts near my reason of feeling anger toward you. This is not toward someone in particular. There are many of you.

All I´ve ever given out to you is morality, support, thoughts, words and physical touch. I never expected much in return, as I am a cynical person. But I would have expected at least some morals and honesty. But no. *No one* of you is capable of even that.

The beautiful irony of everything is that, thanks to your kind, people judge me to be rotten inside as well simply because of the way I apparently look. Hence, I am good. And I am forsaken.

I have no patience for fools anymore. I´m so close to snapping completely over some individuals.

-

"As a right of passage
You want to turn away
From everything you have created
In this world,
where you´re found so unknown
You blame the sun
For all her light
That ever fell your way
You push everything away
And claim that you are alone
And now, you claim that you are alone
And now, you say you feel alone."

-

Please. Even though I may be as strong as seventeen bears with genetical muscle implants, I *can´t* carry everyone with their problems and after that *hear blunt replies when I try to say something analyzing*! One more and I´ll start biting heads. Seriously. *ONE MORE*

ANGER

HATE

RAGE

ROAR!!!!

Today I am *anger*. I will slay everywhone who stands in my way looking for trouble. In other words, my mind is full of drugs. Beware. The lord of the land approaches.

JOS ELÄMÄSTÄSI TEHTÄISIIN ELOKUVA, MILLAINEN SEN SOUNDTRACK OLISI?

Shuffle

---

Alkumusiikki:
Extol - Void

Herääminen:
Claire Voyant - Majesty (VNV Nation Remix)

Rakastuminen:
The Sins Of Thy Beloved - Until The Dark

Taistelu:
Poets Of The Fall - Delicious

Riitaantuminen:
Swallow The Sun - Through Her Silvery Body

Sovinto:
Liv Kristine - Portrait : Ei Tulle Med Öyne Biå

Salainen rakkaus:
Hans Zimmer - I´ve Got My Eye On You

Elämä on okei:
Disturbed - The Game

Pettymys:
Keen - Dying Life

Muistot:
Swallow The Sun - Ghost Of Laura Palmer

Iloinen tanssi:
Deathstars - Trinity Fields

Unohtaminen:
Blutengel - Navigator

Pitkä yö yksin:
Psyclon Nine - The Unfortunate

Viimeinen taistelu:
Sentenced - Despair-ridden Hearts

Kuolemakohtaus:
Deathstars - Play God

Lopputekstit:
Blutengel - Children Of The Night

I saw a dream... I was a professional/serial killer with my brother. At some point I dreamt of being on boats.... with a few friends. Then I jumped from a moving boat to another at the docks in order to get to the right boat. My parents an brother were there... or actually at first there was another me, and I met him. He turned into my brother soon afterwards. Then the dream jumped back into the past. Into the moment me and my brother killed twenty people. I was sitting in a car holding a SIG-sauer type pistol. I reloaded the gun. My brother was driving. Then we drove to a spot where only moments before had been a traffic accident involving at least five cars. We stopped the car and came out shooting. We killed everyone... with no mercy. It was a beautiful sight to see a bullet pierce and splatter a man´s brain all over the scenery. Then we stepped back into the car and drove off. The car was apparently stolen since I had no memory of my brother owning it. I reloaded again. We drove by a salesman´s house on a dock of sorts. He had done something immoral to us, which I can no longer remember. We stopped the car, and stepped out again. This time we left our guns into the car. This time it would be bare-handed and personal. Some stranger spoke to me and asked me about the vehicle we drove. I said it was my brother´s car, and that was explanation enough for him as he didn´t ask anything again. We walked down toward the dock....

Then I woke up.