IRC-Galleria

"If you are thinking just now : 'why me oh God?' The answer is : God has nothing to do with it. In fact, God is never in France this time of year."

- "God is everywhere. He sees everything"

"Very well. Let´s make a bargain, shall we? You ask God for help and I will stop the moment he shows up."

Bear with me a moment. Imagine your life as a stroll...... no.... that´s not right... Imagine it as a simple long walk that resembles a somewhat straight line. At one point, an entriguing light catches your eye. It gives you promises of all things good and enjoyable. So far your walk has been a rocky one with little things to enjoy, and none of such left now. This light plants in your mind a dream. Of being content, complete. A dream of being happy. Of living like the people you know from stories.

The light guides you into a tunnel. You follow it, believing the promises it makes. Believing a dream you feel you must achieve to ever be happy. You follow the light into the deepest part of the cave. Then the light goes out. It vanishes into thin air or escapes through the wall of rock. Leaving you alone in the silent, cold, wet and dark underground labyrinth. You can´t find your way out, and the light refuses to answer your calls.

What do you do? Do you try to find your way back out through the perilous caverns back to the road you have been walking, now knowing that there exists a happiness you can never achieve during your walk, thus seeing even less hope in your way than before? Continuing your road of woe... to some pointless end. Whatever it may be. Feeling unhappy of yourself and your life.

Do you stay in the cave waiting for the light to hold it´s promises? Do you wait there till the end of time alone for the off chance that the light will come back lighting hope in your mind once again? This outcome would in most likely prospect end up in wasting your life in that cave. Cold, tortured and alone.

Do you choose to end your walk in that tunnel? Feeling that you have played your hand of cards and seeing that it was not good enough to achieve your dream. To achieve hope.

Which will it be?

If you look to your left, you see a little girl in the street. She is about at the age of six or seven. She stares at a house in awe. You follow the example. You see that the house is lit by a ghostly and eerie light. Then you see the same little girl in the window. She dances on the windowboard for a while and finally steps back inside. She pulls a gun from somewhere and points it at her head from the side. She pulls the trigger. There is a splash of red and a hole emerges in her tiny head. She falls forward. Her upper body hanging outside the window, blood starts flowing on the wall below her.

If you look to your right, what do you see?

And what does this tell of you and your mind?

If I see this everytime I close my eyes, what does this tell of me?

Imagine a world without doubt. Without self pity. A world where everyone is granted the gift of divine wisdom. A world where people are not run by feelings but by reason and causality. Where chance and chaos have little room. Where everything is possible to be known beforehand. How would that be?

It might work for some, and for some it wouldn´t. I can´t deny that people need feeling and passion to create some contrast into their lives. But something is not right here. People don´t, in the end, think. Everytime I fall into being even slightly naiive, and for a moment cease to believe in the most cynical outcome, I am always thinking the wrong way and end up being mistaken. One should doubt. Not believe. But then again if I believe this, don´t I sort get tripped by my own rule?

Perhaps. If you do not take my word for it that I actually think this instead of believing. A philosophy of life is a slightly different thing than believing. This time though, all is not lost. I simply lack the self confidence needed to believe in my chances. One thing I must remember. If I end up falling too hard, and decide to give up, I should do it without making a scene. She hates scenes like that. And my credibility would be gone in her eyes. I am different. You will see. I hope.

You spoke. Now I can think. Now I can give whatever you need that I have. Including time and space. Thank you.

It´s always so nice to be afraid for one´s sanity. I have the odd feeling that once again everything will fall down. Hard. I just wonder if this time the cataclysm of my world could be bothered to drain me dry of blood in the process. "Oh god I´m so alone, so alone!"

None can understand light
Such is the way we think
As eyes blinded by bright
Flash as we don´t blink

I would still like to try
As I am tired of guessing
I often end up as a sigh
Seeking for your blessing

Tell me if there´s anything
If you need me to yield
I want to try something
Even falling to a field

When you need me to take
A bullet going for you
Please, me your shield make
Then I can feel true.

This morning I woke up inhumanly early. It was due to a very odd nightmare. As usual, it involved death. This time, however, the atmosphere was simply breathtaking. The vision was very short as it occured at the end of my dreaming phase. I was in a somewhat classical room for horror. In a house made mostly of old and rusty metal. Chains were hanging from the high ceiling.

My first sight was a piece light brown dead flesh crawling its way forward until it reached two other standing pieces of similiar flesh. I recognized these chunks of dead tissue as humans. The one crawling had no feet below his thighs, no skin and no blood. Very little was left of its face too. It had no recognisable facial features or even eyes for that matter.

It had a pair of hands, with which it crawled its way forward. My line of sight widened then. The two standing humans on either side of the crawling zombie were more intact, although also skinless and they consisted of dead, light brown chunks of dead flesh. They looked basically the same as the crawling zombie, with the exception that these still had their feet on.

There was a zombie dog on either side of the standing figure trying rip a meal out of their dead flesh. Then I recognized one of these standing figures as myself. I had a gun in my hand. It must have been difficult to hold it as most of my fingers had fallen off from the knuckles. And I couldn´t feel anything. I shot the crawling zombie before me in the head. With little effect.

The other standing figure suddenly ran to the door of the building yelling : "Bora!! We´re still alive!!" with a bloodchilling cry that will never escape my mind.Then I had a flashback of a group gone to investigate the place we were in. We must have been a part of that group. I somehow knew the rest of the group had fled after we had "died". I could move very slowly forward as I was thinking this sad fact. Would we end up as mindless and lifeless flesh-eating monsters? For some reason this thought didn´t encourage me much.

The last thing I remember is that I was looking down to my hand. With now all finger lost, I had only five knuckles in my almost transparent hand. It had so little flesh in it, that I could see floor right through it. I remember thinking... "How far can I fall apart? When will I lose my thoughts? Will everything turn to darkness soon, or will I be reduced to a single wiggling teespoon size chunk of rotting, light brown and dead flesh suffering from immobility until the end of time?" I panicced. Then I woke up. Rarely have I felt so disturbed from a nightmare.

This silence is killing me
I feel so lonely and cold
I´m hoping this can´t be
My mind´s balance sold

Please speak, even to yell
My fears creating a fence
My head only a warning bell
And my mind sees omens.

I fear.

I close my eyes and dream
A vision of myself smiling
Of joy I might even scream
With tears my eyes filling

Because I see you there
Your eyes shining bright
I have walked everywhere
Yet never seen such light

I run to you so fast
And you do the same
To each other everlast
We hold like insane

Then I awake in my bed
Seeing you by my side
To hope me you´ve led
To a joy that I can ride

I want you to have all
That I have in myself
You make me stand tall
You, my beautiful elf.