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Question: Can I love again ?


From a little girl I always considered love something closest one could get to magic; Now I guess I'd claim it's the most powerful kind of magic:

It can twist your beliefs,
It can lure you to traps,
It can fill you with hope,
It can drain you of life,
It can make you want things you've never wanted before,
It can force you into positions you never wanted to go to.
All in all it can do a lot of good and a lot of bad.

Now one falls in love and feels like he or she is at the highest peak of the world, ready to spread one's wings and fly. You could easily die happy knowing you loved someone that loved you back that moment. Now how does that last? How can you know whether it is true or not? "True love"

When I was a child I thought I'd find my true love young; that I'd find some handsome guy, fall for him, get engaged and then married and live happily ever after. I thought this would happen because it somewhat happened to my parents. They've been together for over 24 years and they still love eachother, they still dote upon eachother, still tease and joke and kiss. They are so lucky. They don't even know how lucky they are.

I lost hope of such happening to me when I left the first guy that properly came into my life: Kasper his name was. Danish guy that was older than me by 7 years. I left him...... Because he meant safety. I think I did love him; I spent months with him out of which I can't remember much else than just him. I was so deep in my love and passion that I let go of myself for him. So when he left to visit his home; I left him and told him to not come back.

Now whyyyyy did I do this? I did it because he was safe. I did it because I either didn't love him enough WHEN he was NOT there or I just simply didn't love him enough OR maybe I wasn't ready; considering I was only 17 at the time.

Then came another into my life....... Something unexpected. You see Kasper went to meet a mutual internet friend of ours before meeting me and he told me she was an attractive individual. Now you just don't say things like that to your girlfriend. Since I was on my way to Sweden already just before I left him, I figured why not check out the "threat". I got stunned.... Stunned by her beauty and I found it difficult to even talk in her company. I fell in love to someone I already somewhat knew.

Now nothing came of that and then I fall again to this Finnish guy who says he wants us to be serious. He said he waited with things because he wanted to do it right with me. I fell for him because he made me fall. 4.5 years I spent together with him without realizing who he really was. Then we moved together and I sighed with relief thinking we'd finally move on and make an effort for our relationship. The very same day we unpacked our stuff he told me he had feelings for someone else..... All of a sudden. Because this guy is a commitmentphobe. But now that's just another ghostword invented to describe the lack of love. He just didn't love me enough to truly want more with me; more than we had.

So what did he do then; He tried to have the parts he liked about me to himself without caring for the rest of me. Needless to say that didn't work too well for me. Giving one hope and then using one ruthlessly to his own ends.

Then finally you're over this individual with hard work and a lot of talking; you finally decide to try and live for yourself. And what happens? You THINK you fall again.... I still think I did. I think I loved this Englishman for months. I think this love faded and died along the way. Why? Or maybe it just got smothered and pushed to the back of my heart instead of overwhelming it.

It is my belief that the old saying of having to free something to truly know if it is yours and to knowing you cannot own love holds true to this case. He tried to control me; he tried to manipulate my thoughts, my feelings, my doings; everything. He would tell me what I could do and what not; creating limitations to my feelings, my doings and even my thoughts. He tried to create walls around me; walls that did not exist. Every single second online I would have had to spend with him doing something, always talking to him only. I would have to log skype first and then facebook because if I did it in wrong order he'd automatically assume I was trying to avoid him and only logged on to skype just because he NOTICED me on facebook even though I was clearly trying to hide.

Now I was still with this guy for months.... There were times when I REALLY wanted to hide so I would go to this game that I had begged him to join me in for weeks and not log anywhere else. Then when he'd not hear of me - he all of a sudden decided to make an account to spy on me and checked my match history for every day adding to the needless fights.

Now like this wasn't enough; whilst I was on skype with him; he'd get mad at me if I smiled and he wasn't the cause to this smile. And then he'd buy me flowers.... come to Finland for me and bring me gifts and tell me how I should consider what I said to him because he's used so much money on me. And all of a sudden I realized that I knew the price for everything he ever bought me. So I felt like an investment and he claimed to love me.

I think this is how love fades and dies........ if you try and capture it and control it; put it in a gage; it dies. Also if you try to buy love.......... it's a slippery thing; it'll slide through your fingers; slip away. And now he wants his gift back to add to it <3

The only reason I think I was capable of leaving him was because if I had stayed in that relationship even if it hurt me every single day; I know I could've used him and I don't want to do that; I don't want to use people. Use and dispose of later. Now there I did a favour for him aswell. And now he blames it all on me. It's funny how it goes; first he's the one to blame even in his own opinion; he's the one who should change. And then the second I leave him; all the blame is on me. I was always the reason; always the bad guy. Always the evil one.

I admit that in none of these relationships or whatever one should call them; I was never the perfect girlfriend. When I was with the Finnish guy for 4.5 years I learnt that I kept a leash... I tried to control there. I did it wrong. With the dane.... I don't know. He wasn't the right for me I think. With the Englishman... Well I realized that I needed my piece of freedom too. I needed to be able to decide for myself and my certain someone to decide for himself aswell. I needed my space as much as the earlier guy needed his. Maybe there are other things too I learnt but can't really think of at this hour. I always tried though. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. Maybe I just can't do it.

Now I had a strange event happen in my life. I had a........ well a surprise guest come from Netherlands for my 23rd birthday. I admit we had fun times..... Now I have an issue. I'm not sure what I feel. I feel I want his attention but I'm not sure I want him to my life. I'm not quite sure what I am scared of here. Another guy like the Englishman? Or just relationship overall? Or a long distance one? Or I don't know...... Nobody wants to get hurt but I don't feel like I'm scared of that.

What truly feels strange is that I know I haven't fallen for him yet; I'm not quite sure I'm actually capable of falling in love again. I don't feel capable of doing that. But..... For some really strange reason I feel....... Annoyed? No.... it disturbs me a little bit that he's not giving me any special attention. I don't know why. It's not like I'm giving him any. I guess I'm just impatient waiting for his move. He's a thinker.... goes through everything with reason first. I just don't know if I want anything or if I just wish I were irresistable to at least someone for just a second.

Oh yeah also....... There's someone I love currently knowingly in a different way. A young woman. She's a very very good friend of mine and I want her to be in my life. Nowadays she's really making it difficult for me. Being her friend that is. See first she told me she couldn't be my friend because I didn't need her; how wrong could she be.... I need all my friends. And how's that a reason to not being able to be someone's friend anyway? Then she told me someone I know understands her in every way better than I do. So there kind of isn't any point in talking to me about anything even if I'm her friend 'cause I will not understand. Kind of hurt me because I actually try to help and understand; he apparently doesn't have to. I don't know what to say anymore........... I wish I could come up with something to talk about. How's that for daze.

I meant to write something here about Nikita and how by watching her I started to wonder about these things.... Just because well... I saw Michael change; change in relationship because she rather cut off his arm than watched him die. Such blame... I should write about that someday. Wow this 5am writing must be really a bad idea. Don't think even I can make any sense out of this text.

You're probably wondering why I am writing in here; truth to tell I do not know the answer to this question myself. I just felt like writing and I felt like writing in English and since I've not had a blog for years I figured if it's not forbidden I'll just write here till I'm content.

Earlier.... well yesterday I took the trash out. There was a pan in the trash and for some strange reason I felt guilty throwing it away. I had had that pan for years and even though we had agreed it looked like it had cancer, I couldn't help but think that I had used that pan to prepare my food for all those years.... Why? I mean why do I feel guilty even if just a little bit.... For disposing of a pan?

Another question that is oh so difficult to answer; I mean I can understand if it was something living...... Like a pet or an ex boyfriend... that I wanted to leave behind in life. Then I could understand that I would feel guilty over it even if I probably shouldn't. But why a pan? OVERALL why do I feel guilty if I throw something away. And to add to the question it doesn't even have to be something I've used; I'll just feel guilty over throwing it away and not even having used it.

Gods sometimes life is difficult.

Leaving past behind.... Not so easy. Whether it is an ex or just some part of your life that you wish to forget, it will always be difficult to deal with. You will always find it behind some future corner of your life. What you leave behind you'll end up finding before you.... That's how it tends to work. One way or another. Even though I really do hope I wont find my pan walking anywhere with its' cancer. Maybe it'll turn out radioactive and overgo some mutations? Hope not.

Why do things have to change so much.....? Why do stuff get old or go out of shape?`Corrose? Why do you always have to need something new? Why isn't the old good enough? There are so many questions in this world and so few answers in comparison.

And well in my case to be fair; the pan did appear to have cancer.