"Hello, this is the psychiatric hotline.
* If you suffer from compulsiveness, please press the 1 repeatedly.
* If you are insecure-dependent, please ask someone else to press the 2 for you.
* If you have a personality split, press 3, 4 and 5.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please hold the line so we can trace your call.
* If you suffer from schizophrenia, please listen attentively. A small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press, as no one will react to your call anyway.
* If you are megalomaniac, you are cured, as those would never ask for help."