IRC-Galleria

i dont even recognize myself anymore. i keep wondering how everyone i once knew seems so distant to me now, some people even... unrealistically different, grotesque somehow. might be impossible to understand my choice of words here, but its just something only i can fully understand with the whole range of emotions raging inside me right now.

well, not raging. quite the contrary, actually. i feel hollow. unreal and oddly serene. maybe sonja was right after all, about everything she said. this isnt real, and i shouldnt have gotten caught up in the moment. the higher you fly, the harder you fall.

well, about the reality i actually dont agree with her. this is just as real as life in finland is. its just different. and i dont think we should be so set out to settle down anywhere, discarding every other option and experience that might come along the way if you just were open to them. i want to be open to the world.

i dont know where i belong. im not sure if i belong anywhere. in a way i like that idea. i never wanted to belong, anyway.

i do miss anu, though. theres just no other person in the whole universe with whom i could share as much. there are no words to explain it. now when i need comfort the most, i wish she could be here. i have friends here, surprisingly good and close friends regarding the short length of time ive spent with them so far. and in a way i can share with them as much as i can share with anu. i can tell them everything.

but the wordless understanding, the nonverbal communication, the physical comfort - i cant find it in anyone else. anu and i, we are grown together. we are connected.

we are sisters.

i wish i had her here.

i havent shed a tear, though. because im not feeling sad, desperate, lonely, or anything equivalent. i dont know if im okay or not, its hard to tell. but im feeling quite good in the end.

just hollow.

thats all.