IRC-Galleria

Sheila: Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.

Tommy: Go upstairs and look in the mirror. I think thereÂ’s more than one problem going on down there.

Teddy: You sure you donÂ’t want me to French kiss the bastard on the half hour?

Jerry: What, are you Dr. Dolittle now?

Franco: Balls as big as yours, itÂ’s amazing you can find pants that can fit.

Theresa: It was just a matter of time before he stuck a fork in the toaster, or drove of a cliff or something.

Mikey: What do you think your friends and family would say if they found out you were banging your dead cousin's wife?

Tommy: You know what, we can do that, all right? Go up and get him.

Ryan: I knew your be begging me back, you piece of shit.

Tommy: YouÂ’re the only bitch IÂ’m seeing these days.

Franco: You mean, like “can’t kiss at all” bad kisser, or “just a little sloppy and drunk” bad kisser?

Teddy: Hey, it ainÂ’t like humans have to lock on the guys-blowing-other-guys thing.

Franco: Yeah, youÂ’d have been real golden with a Halligan hanging out of your ass, okay?

Tommy: ThatÂ’s the thing about the spotlight, you know? You walk out into it, at first, everybody thinks they see a good-locking, all-American hero. Then you stay out there long
enough, you know, they start to notice certain things. Maybe your nose is a little crooked. Maybe your teeth are too. You got a little scar on your upper lip. Your hairÂ’s not right. One eyeÂ’s bigger than other. Next thing you know, they think theyÂ’re looking at some kind of
goddamn monster. Like theyÂ’re looking at King Kong, and they start throwing shit at you.

Tommy: Yeah. But look us now. Three years later, still waiting for a goddamn raise.

Jerry: When you’re talking about bad kisser, you’re talking about “too much saliva” bad kisser or “using your tongue like an iguana eating a fly” bad kisser?
Franco: That was disturbing, chief.
Sean: Yeah, and disgusting.
Jerry: You shouldÂ’ve saw the chick I did it with.

Teddy: And that “I love you” only covers the first 50 bucks.

Kenny: Birth, school, work, death. It goes that quick.

Tommy: Every time I walk in the door she canÂ’t get enough of me.

Billy: You son of a bitch.

Jimmy: You piece of shit. You live and I die? How is that fair?

Chief Perolli: Figure it out, Einstein. LetÂ’s just say, youÂ’re not the most popular crew member on the floor.

Tommy: Hey, this sandwich is not a sandwich, okay? This sandwich is a -- ItÂ’s a symbol.

Janet: If you had died last night, between your truck, the house and the tiny little insurance plan that you were able to get because of your occupation, IÂ’d say IÂ’d have about 150 grand in my hands within two weeks.

Teddy: Jesus, what are you doing here?
Tommy: What do you mean?
Teddy: WhereÂ’s Elvis?
Tommy: What?
Teddy: IsnÂ’t this heaven?
Tommy: No, ItÂ’s my garage.
Teddy: Goddamn it! IÂ’m alive! Shit!

Teddy: Come over here and pick up that wad of cash for me, will you?
Tommy: ThatÂ’s it. YouÂ’re going on a diet.

Jerry: And thereÂ’s crazy-good and crazy-bad. Right now, Gavin is crazy-good.

Tommy: You wanna know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together.
IÂ’ve been in the middle of shit, that would make you piss your pants right now. But there ainÂ’t no medals on my chest, assholes, because I ainÂ’t hero. IÂ’m a fireman. WeÂ’re not in the business of making heroes here. WeÂ’re in the business of discovering cowards, because thatÂ’s what you are if you canÂ’t take the heat. YouÂ’re a pussy. And there ainÂ’t no room for pussies in the F.D.N.Y. You pussies better pray you donÂ’t get assigned to my firehouse, because I have seen it all.

Tommy: These four men were better human beings and better firefighters than any of you will ever be.

Jimmy: Those probies wouldnÂ’t think you were such a tough guy if they knew you were talking to a dead guy.

Franco: And the friend has a face like my ass, only my ass ainÂ’t as hairy.

Tommy: What I canÂ’t believe is you making a move on a chick with sideburns.

Tommy: ThereÂ’s a pool on my divorce?

Sean: I swear to God on my motherÂ’s grave.
Tommy: Your motherÂ’s still alive, Sean.
Sean: Well, no, I meant when she dies. God forbid. Knock on wood. Shit. All right, my fatherÂ’s grave. HowÂ’s that?
Tommy: Your dadÂ’s dead?
Sean: Yeah, yeah, years ago. Ass cancer.
Tommy: Ass cancer?
Sean: Yeah, you know, prostrate.

Kenny: So, what, you donÂ’t have a kit?
Mike: No.
Kenny: Tommy, he donÂ’t have a kit.
Tommy: How does he not have a kit?

Kenny: Politically correct bullshit. That voice is the closest thing IÂ’m ever gonna come to working with a broad.

Tommy: Look at us. AmericaÂ’s heroes. Since when are we in the piss business?

Kenny: Where the hell did you get 20 giant jars of urine from, sir? I mean, I donÂ’t shop in this neighbourhood, but --

Kenny: Well, you got that down to a goddamn science. Deputy mayor quoted in the paper today saying we donÂ’t deserve a raise because we spend 95 percent of our time sleeping and the other 5 percent fighting fires. Christ. And moron can see we spend at least 2 percent of our time cleaning up piss.

Tommy: All right, look. I’m not gonna stand here and argue the semantics of ”or so” with you.

Tommy: Kids? Come here.
Connor: IÂ’m watching TV.
Tommy: I donÂ’t care.

Tommy: Okay, kids, bedtime.
Kids: But, Dad --
Tommy: Hey, hey, hey. Twenty bucks for everybody who goes to bed right now.

Janet: Good night, honey.
Tommy: Good night, sweetheart.
Janet: I was talking to Connor.

Tommy: The way I figure it, youÂ’re dead, right? So this conversation probably isnÂ’t happening, which mean that this probably isnÂ’t happening. So stick around a while, pal.

Jimmy: Why are you two separated?
Tommy: According to her?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Tommy: You know. She says I couldnÂ’t open up. I wasnÂ’t emotionally available. Blah, blah, blah.
Jimmy: Are you?
Tommy: Oh, and you are?
Jimmy: Hey, I got an excuse. IÂ’m dead.

Franco: Hey, look, forget about your ass. Have them stick a camera in one of your ears and find out what the hell kind of brain damage weÂ’re dealing with.

Franco: If you ainÂ’t scared, youÂ’re crazy.

Tommy: IÂ’ll tell you what. ItÂ’s not about being a man or a woman, okay? ItÂ’s about doing the job. So, if you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys in my crew, bring her on, you know? You got a Martian or a cyborg or a Chinaman that can do the job, bring them on too.
Goldberg: Are there any chinese firefighters?
Tommy: Yeah, probably. Somewhere in China.

Tommy: Forget 9/11, all right? Five years ago. Black kid. Ten years old. Pulled him out of a closet. Hot fire all around. HeÂ’s burnt. HeÂ’s scared. And heÂ’s slipping and sliding around in my arms like a -- Like a goddamn baby seal. And I almost get him outside. And his skin - heÂ’s wearing nothing but underwear. And his skin comes off like wrapping paper off of a Christmas present. He slips right out of my arms and falls on the floor. Pick him up, get him outside. A few months later, he dies in the burn centre.
Three years ago, a project fire, six stories up. One-bedroom apartment. Fifteen people living in it. And I find a little girl. Hurt pretty bad, holding a kitten. I bring her down, six stories. Six goddamn stories. I’m switching my mask off with her and the kitten. And her and the kitten and me. She’s crying up to me the whole time, saying: ”Please, Mr. Fireman. Please save my kitten. Please don’t let anything happen to my kitten, Mr. Fireman.” And I’m biting my tongue, because I hate cats. I think they suck. I come from a dog family. Anyways, long story short: cat lived, she didn’t.
9/11. We lost four guys from this house. One of them was my cousin Jimmy. My best friend. Best goddamn fireman I ever worked with, good family man. Dedicated American, blah, blah, blah, you know. And every day, I gotta drive to work. I drive through my neighbourhood. I see guys, drunken assholes that I went to high school with, who are standing on the corner, high, having a great time, and I gotta wonder why these assholes are still walking around when Jimmy Keefe ainÂ’t. My cousin, the priest says itÂ’s because itÂ’s all part of GodÂ’s plan. Like GodÂ’s got a plan. You know what? If there is a God, heÂ’s got a whole shitload of explaining to do.

Jimmy: IÂ’m supposed to spend eternity here arguing with you about your secret evil plans to fix your failing marriage?

Kenny: Well, this is the husband. This is the wood he used to barricade the door to stop us from rescuing his wife, who was inside, on fire.
And this is what gay couples who insist on getting married have to look forward to.

Tommy: IÂ’m a guy. You used to be a guy. We both know guys suck. Okay? What would you prefer, her sucking on a couple of tits or hanging around with some horny, hungry, hopped-up-on-Viagra shithead, whoÂ’s got two secret gym bags full of DVD porn?

Tommy: Sometimes I think gay guys really got it made, you know?
Jimmy: How is that?
Tommy: Think about it. YouÂ’re a guy. YouÂ’re with a guy who has the same interests as you. Thats, like, a win-win situation, man. You know? First of all, you both like to have a lot of sex. If youÂ’re both interested in sports, you can go to hockey games, basketball games, football, baseball. ItÂ’s all blowjobs and ballgames.

Tommy: So, basically, even if you and I were blowing each other, weÂ’re doomed.

Kenny: Is that cocaine? Good, because if it was, youÂ’re doing it wrong.

Tommy: ThatÂ’s not a threat. ThatÂ’s a goddamn promise, bitch.

Tommy: YouÂ’re lucky IÂ’m not kidnapping my own goddamn kids.

Kenny: And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Tommy: You know, I get a hard-on, IÂ’m usually too busy using it for the good of all mankind.

Tommy: Well, I havenÂ’t checked my closet yet, but IÂ’m way ahead of schedule in the shit department.

Tommy: Honey, look on the bright side, okay. Lesbians are big business right now.

Tommy: ItÂ’s a travesty.
Colleen: What?
Tommy: ItÂ’s wrong.
Colleen: What, the me having a girlfriend thing, or the kids having sex in the hallways thing?

Tommy: ThatÂ’s why your grandparents came to this country, so you could be a lesbian if you wanted to be.
Colleen: They did?
Tommy: Kind of. I mean, it was, you know.. Yeah.

Tommy: Well, itÂ’s official. SheÂ’s gone lesbo.
Janet: What?
Tommy: Yeah. IÂ’m sure itÂ’s just a phase. You know, you kissed a couple of girls in high school, right?
Janet: No, I didnÂ’t.
Tommy: Oh, you didnÂ’t. I thought you did. Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Tommy: I like this game. What do I have to do to win?

Kenny: Long story, or wide, actually, depending on how you look it.

Sean: You know what they need to invent? Shorts. Bunker shorts.
Kenny: ThereÂ’s the little problem of your legs burning off.
Sean: Well, itÂ’s better than sweating my balls off, which IÂ’m doing right now.
Franco: So, what, your balls are more important than legs?
Sean: Well, you see, you can get fake legs.
Kenny: See, now, heÂ’s got a point.

Jennifer: God, Coll, if I wanted to hear lies and shit, IÂ’d be going out with a guy.

Tommy: I saw Billy. He was right in front of me. No heÂ’s gone. And this scumbag? HeÂ’s back in another crack house, getting high? No, itÂ’s not right. Tell you what, this is justice, okay?

Kenny: You know, I never thought IÂ’d say this, but when I die, IÂ’d like to come back as your penis.

Kenny: Maybe we should go to the roof, talk to the tree. I mean, it looks like an accident, but you never know.
Tommy: There might be a couple shrubs up there maybe saw something.

Sheila: Why do you have to be such an asshole?
Tommy: Practice?

Tommy: WeÂ’re genetically engineered to lie.

Tommy: Not that IÂ’m lying. Anymore. IÂ’m not.

Kenny: Well, you know, knowing you, itÂ’s fifty-fifty. But try putting a couple of words together, weÂ’ll see where it goes.

Kenny: Listen, don’t go there, junior, okay? There’s an expression: ”Don’t shit where you eat.” And there’s a reason why it’s an expression.
Sean: Well, it doesnÂ’t even make sense. When you eat, you have to shit, and usually very soon.
Kenny: Look, Sean, I donÂ’t wanna get into a semantics debate with you, okay, because you donÂ’t know what that is.

Franco: Yeah. Almost grabbed the pavement.
Laura: No shit.
Tommy: What?
Franco: Nothing.
Tommy: You two got something to say, go head and say it.
Franco: Well, you know, the ladder was almost there. You saw it coming and you decided to jump anyway.
Tommy: So IÂ’m supposed to wait? I got a girl stuck on top of burning building, on a roof. IÂ’m supposed to stand around and scratch my balls?
Laura: WeÂ’re talking 20 seconds to get a ladder in place.
Tommy: Let me tell you two something. Some people like to wait and watch. Some people like to make the grab. I made the grab. All right?

Franco: Nice guy.
Laura: Oh, heÂ’s great.
Franco: HeÂ’s a prick.