kysymys...
the question that makes me loose my mind. it feels like that. it feels a lot. it feels different every time, every second.
i been throught this back and forth, up and down, in and out, thinkin i will brake trough. But i find my self just more confused than before. it feels like i dont have an answer to this. i never do. i never will. i dont know if i should get out or stay. so i do nothing. just think a thousand hours but do nothing.
nobody no one
i just never grow up, it doesn't happen to me. why? whats wrong with me?
i wished for you always, you were always the most important goal in my life, i have always felt like if one doesn't have kids, one is nothing. that person is a failure, is a nobody.
why is it like that? why do i think like that?
and i've been panicin in my mind, couse the more real the idea of areal kid gets, the more scared i get.
thinking of all the obstacles and hard things instead of the good. i panic, i don't believe i can do it. all those years, 18 years. it's a decision it's a commitment that won't go away.
i always thought i would grow into it, that things would finally fall into place and things would just work out in the end, if i just find my self a good man to do it with. that i would feel like all those other girls seemed to feel. that it's time, it's time to become a mother.
i don't feel that. i feel terrified. and i try to figure out if it's me or if it's the situation?
fuck, i'm so sick of this. really my head is spinning over time and i can't stop it. i'm tired of feeling like this failure, like this brat that never grows up, this little helpless person that wants all the hard stuff done by somebody else, somebody stronger like my sister. i guess when i was a kid i could always count on her, to take on and understand and deal with the difficult stuff, the adult stuff.
man i'm so sick of me and that i can't ever just be strong, strong, strong no matter what.
only when i hear the music, my heart is filled with such fierce passion of doing what i always dreamed of, that i always wanted and i wouldn't let nothing get in the way. i would be strong for both of us, even when fs "ei jaksa"
man, i talk, jada jada jada........ i talk a lot and feel a lot. but when it comes to actually make a decision of trying to make a child..... i back out, my fears take over.
feel tho like all i really need is a safe place, a safe relationship, where i can trust and rely on the other person completely, to be there for me, trough this all, when ever. even when he would happen to be mad at me.
but i am not in a relationship like that now.