but i'm not.
i still cry because of missing someone (who, quite frankly, doesn't seem to give a shit about the pain she's pushed my way); and i feel totally unmotivated, unwanted, unimpressed with life and very unimpressed with love. above all, given how easy it seemed for her to reach the conclusion to dump me, i feel used. wasted. disposable. fit only for dumping.
not saying categorically that i was, but i am saying that's how it feels.
my nice friend N in Muurame recently had a similar experience to this: she and her guy split up. and she's been nice enough to share her thoughts and feelings on the experience with me. she relates to the emptiness, and loneliness and the feeling of 'half on my body's gone missing' that i'm feeling. she understands the whole issue. bless her heart, she sent me some music that has become our sort-of 'wannabe-anthem'. naturally, we're both a long way off the aim stated in the song, and it will take us time because we both were deeply in love with our former significant others.
Chris Daughtry - Over You (Daughtry, Christopher, Howes, Brian)
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
i guess that N and i have to wait 'til our hearts stop hurting to be able to sing that song.
and i sit here now, in this fucking horrible little flat that new-ex hated, and i'm hating it too: not just because it's a depressing little shit-hole, but also because the memories that live here too are also fucking depressing. on the headphones, i have that song playing on repeat, and fucking loud! and this feels great.
my lovely friend N has managed to be the first girl to send a shiver up my spine for a long time now: and all it was - this song.
Where: you know well where i am
Feeling: pensive and nauseous
Music: Chris Daughtry - Over You (fuck, i wish it were true but it fucking isn't)