IRC-Galleria

today was a good day before i returned to the shit-heap.

was in Hki at the Liitto member associations' day with Heta as a joint delegate from the local association, and took part in some brainstorming. met JMF and talked about a few interesting things with him... felt like we speak the same language: science. saw a few lovely ppl from here.

did an impromptu supervision on the bus back. student's research is coming on very nicely... she's likely to become one of Finland's top autism researchers in the field of educational/social-developmental psychology and special education/training.

back at the crap-house and wishing i was back in Hki.

better than wishing i was dead.

so my life's starting - so i'm told - to take off, now. i have a finnish course coming up in october, and in august there's that JAMK course (GradCertEd in Cultural Awareness in Learning). i should be happy.

but i'm not.

i still cry because of missing someone (who, quite frankly, doesn't seem to give a shit about the pain she's pushed my way); and i feel totally unmotivated, unwanted, unimpressed with life and very unimpressed with love. above all, given how easy it seemed for her to reach the conclusion to dump me, i feel used. wasted. disposable. fit only for dumping.

not saying categorically that i was, but i am saying that's how it feels.

my nice friend N in Muurame recently had a similar experience to this: she and her guy split up. and she's been nice enough to share her thoughts and feelings on the experience with me. she relates to the emptiness, and loneliness and the feeling of 'half on my body's gone missing' that i'm feeling. she understands the whole issue. bless her heart, she sent me some music that has become our sort-of 'wannabe-anthem'. naturally, we're both a long way off the aim stated in the song, and it will take us time because we both were deeply in love with our former significant others.

---

Chris Daughtry - Over You (Daughtry, Christopher, Howes, Brian)

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

---

i guess that N and i have to wait 'til our hearts stop hurting to be able to sing that song.

and i sit here now, in this fucking horrible little flat that new-ex hated, and i'm hating it too: not just because it's a depressing little shit-hole, but also because the memories that live here too are also fucking depressing. on the headphones, i have that song playing on repeat, and fucking loud! and this feels great.

my lovely friend N has managed to be the first girl to send a shiver up my spine for a long time now: and all it was - this song.


Where: you know well where i am
Feeling: pensive and nauseous
Music: Chris Daughtry - Over You (fuck, i wish it were true but it fucking isn't)

went to the dentist yesterday... had a filling replaced and a cap refitted. feels better now, and eating's fine.

took about 15mins or less and ... actually, many of the professionals i've met in this country have been pillocks, but my dentist is pretty good. i'm lucky to have her.

also got the helipack for my gut infection... helicobacter pyloris going on. the pack contains three medications, and these are amoxicillin, metronidazole and lansoprazole. these are respectively an antibiotic, an anti-infective and a proton-pump inhibitor. the antibiotic will attack the bacteria themselves, and the anti-infective will metabolise into something that will eradicate protozoal and anaerobic organisms. the proton-pump inhibitor will reduce the production of gastric acid.

i'm likely to get (more) depressed, it seems... it's a side effect.

Situation:

Was at TVT today. Told them the current situation. Told about the course at JAMK. Told that I'd felt that the change of support arrangements this year might have been 'too little, too late', and that I was right (given the stress that both me and my dumper were under at the time because of my lack of effective support). Talked about methods of getting me employable: work-trial (possibly at TVT, because I have some skills that they currently need and do not have); structured course in Finnish language.

Result:

JAMK course can be done as työvoimakoulutus, so I get additional benefits. I also need travel expenses and accommodation expenses from either TVT or SosToim, and my social worker is looking into that option. She knows that, if I can't get those expenses, I can't do the course, so she is going to push hard for me to get them on a discretionary grant.

The JAMK course days fall on days that the Finnish course meets but my employment advisor says that it wouldn't be a problem (presumably, they'd see it as explained absences).

It is slightly possible that a work-trial can be arranged with TVT for two issues - lack of expertise on developmental difficulties and learning difficulties at the same level as mine; lack of expertise in culturally-sensitive assessment and counselling for clients for whom Finnish is not yet a second language. Such a work-trial could also be used as a way of getting laillistettu psykologi status with TEO.

Not a quick start to anything, and some things still not certain (e.g., the JAMK course, and the work-trial), but the Finnish training I've been needing and wanting is very likely. They can't understand why that wasn't initially offered to me when I became a client of TVT again in October 2006!

If even only one of the other two possibilities works out, that will have been a very good meeting.

And I handled my side of it solo (no support person with me; my current one could not get there). This begs a question; not one about me needing a support person; but, rather, the following:

If I can - with some degree of difficulty - fairly successfully drive my own matter, and the Autismisäätiö support worker could not, then what the hell is she doing working in support work with autistic people?

Doesn't go anywhere near getting a certain someone back with me, and the whole change package was definitely too little, way too late. So I'm not going to be ecstatic: nobody on earth can expect that of me. But at least, if the things I asked about pan out, I'm getting to become more employable. And that I see as a good thing.

[edit] 16th May, 2008
My social worker called and told me that her seniors at SosToim have agreed to fund my travel and accommodation costs for the JAMK course.

I have confirmed my place with JAMK and now feel less stressed than I did.

Because of the change in circumstances with the one who studies at JyU, however, I cannot connect emotionally with this. But it is a good thing, and reflects my social worker's desire to see me making progress. And I respect her a lot for that. Now I have the forms to fill in for this course as työvoimakoulutus and for the Finnish language course... TVT have agreed on these matters already.
[/edit]

Music: Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
Mood: Uncomfortably numb