IRC-Galleria

today J would've been 27.. we would've met yesterday with T and possibly other friends and congratulate J for the anniversary of his cellular decay.. "haha, you dinosaur! ..soon you'll need a walker or a cane to help you walk" ..I miss that fat fucking bastard so much it's hurts like hell.. fuck you for leaving me and all your other friends here!

Jack-81

I've been choking on my tears for few days.. holding them in.. not letting myself fall apart. The thing is I understand why he did it.. I see things through his eyes now 'cos a lot of the stuff's happening to me: my grades are low if I'm completing the courses; I look at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see (and I even don't have the same kind of weight problems he had..); I really don't trust any of my friends enough to tell them anything.. as if they'd even care; I can't talk to my parents 'cos they wouldn't understand.. they've worked for all their lives.. been independent and grown-up..

Why can't I do it? It shouldn't be that difficult, right?

Well.. I didn't get a summer job.. I guess I didn't call early enough or something.. I was always focusing on some other thing.. to which I lost interest in few days. I feel like a failure. I won't be able to pay my rent. I won't do anything nice that costs a lot. I can live at my parent's house for the summer.. but eventually they'll pressure me about work and school (which they do when I visit them for weekends etc.)

We once talked about my pre-pubescent years at therapy.. or was it puberty.. whatever.. the period of my life when I looked after my younger sister when she was in kindergarten (= daycare) and needed to be picked up at 4pm or a bit earlier. We spent the few hours together before my mom came home from work. I've now been thinking about the fact that I never really was 'young' when my friends were. You know the time when you've supposed to be madly in love with some girl or boy who has braces in their mouth.. those awkward moments when you should kiss some one but both of you are scared shitless.. I got to that period when I was about 20.. I drank for the first time when I was 17 and I've been drinking a lot from 18 onwards (pretty much every weekend from the military months ~20-y/o->) My first real girlfriend was someone I met at college when I was 24, she was 19. Needless to say, we were both quite clueless. I was a bigger brat than she was, but you know what they say, girls mature earlier than boys.. I'd began taking antidepressants in spring of the same year. Like always, I was looking for someone to love or at least someone who could save me from myself. She was shy and I guess I managed to get her out of her shell.. at least a bit..
Unfortunately, the summer vacation ended what had been fading away for some time.

After some single-serving relationships.. I'm now living together with a girl I love (if I'm in love with her it's for brief moments when I realize how gorgeous she is.. these moments usually follow each other).. I'm scared the same will happen again.. the few upcoming months will end the relationship. I'm like a small child who needs constant care. I need someone strong enough who can assure me that things will work out.. and yes.. fuck Freud but in my case he's right.. I _do_ need a mother figure. If I don't get it from my girlfriend I'll seek it somewhere else? I hate myself for this, but I don't know if it's just a temporary thing or a part of my personality. A flaw.. an imperfection.. that dark smudge in your otherwise pristine crystal glass that just can't be removed.

You should always end on a positive note? ..My bunny gives great joy to me and my girlfriend.. he does these amazing leaps of joy and runs around the apartment.. he really loves the new home.. but he also gets weird panic attacks.. it's like he can't hear our footsteps or he's just so preoccupied all the time.

Enjoy the summer,
Yours,
~O~

I turned down a good job (sorting out mail as a part-time job (Mon-Fri evenings 5-9pm) @Itella, 'cos I've been selected into international and faculty's tutor training.. my kids will require my full attention and I won't be able to work in the evenings and take care of the newbies at the same time..

I've been cursin' to myself that now I'll be broke during the summer and autumn.. and this job would've probably been something I could've done when the studies begin in late August if hadn't been accepted into the tutor training.. BUT all in all.. this me-muttering-to-myself is just a passing phase and come autumn I'll be happy I _did_ apply for the tutor thing and was selected.

The thing that bugs me right now is the fact that on 5th of May the training days are on the same day and in different places.. so.. I have no idea wtf I should do.. I sent an email to the persons in charge and hope to get some suggestions as to what's the best way to handle this schedule problem.

The reason I applied for both of these programs was that this way I can integrate the exchange students via my own student organization (all filled with people who are 'experts' in English) and at the same time make sure my Anglica kiddies get to use English as much as possible. Also, if the exchange students aren't native speakers of English (which probably is the case) I get to better my French and German skills.

I'll be at the mercy of the computer lab for some time as we're moving to our new apartment tomorrow.
Enjoy the eve of May and Fi(r)st of May!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DKXGpMGY_o&feature=related

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foofighters/bestofyou.html

this song's one of my theme songs.. usually when I've spent some time being madly in love with someone who doesn't return the emotion.. a kind of musical/lyrical version of "FU" <3

if you've ever wondered what happens when you've got too much THC in your system check the following strip: http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2008-03-13.gif and the ones that follow it..

last night something like that happened to me.. for the second time.. the first one occurred in 2001 and the ripple effects lasted a few months..

the next time will probably end up with me in an asylum for mental patients or possibly some rehab. I wish I could stop fucking things up before that happens.

so.. where to begin.. I saw my old shrink today, she's retiring in the autumn and wanted to see me face-to-face before that.. we talked about how my things have been going.. the usual stuff: school, the therapy @ Toivola, my medication, relationships and so on.. she thought it would be good for me to think about stop taking meds, not like 'go cold turkey' or anything, but tone it down so that I could see what life was like without them.. where the therapy has got me.. maybe figure out things while battling with the deepest stages of my depression.. Well, I said, sure.. the idea scares the hell out of me, but if you think that's what I oughta do, fine.. I'll try it, in the autumn.. the more I think about it, the more complex my feelings about this upcoming 'event' are: I mean, I get her point - it's not good to dope yourself up and just lull into a state of false happiness.. to get to the bottom of things you need to get down and dirty.. It's just.. you know.. when you've spent the best part of your life feeling so f-n' miserable that you wake up wishing you'd died in your sleep..and.. no the person responsible for the therapy (besides myself of course) is someone you can't really relate to and feels somewhat elusive all the time.. you really don't feel like giving up the only thing that's keeping you going and sane..
I'll ask her opinion about this next Monday, but I think she'll agree with me that it's better to see how things are in the autumn.. especially, when I've been chosen to tutor the new English majors..

Yeah, that's right.. you're looking at one of the new tutors! :) Makes you feel sorry for the n00bs, right? But those of you who know me well enough know that I'm as loyal as they come.. and I like taking care of other people and their problems.. it puts my own stuff in perspective and lets me concentrate on something else besides the demons inside my head..

Some of you might've noticed that I've been doing some 'research' on polyamory. Few weeks ago on a tv-series for women," G-spot", there was a story about polyamory and it was something that I had been thinking about, but did not have term for. I've been thinking how strange the idea of living your whole life with just one person is.. I mean, sure, it's romantic and everything, but given the fact that half of the marriages end in divorce and the other half might have problems dealing with cheating and so on.. wouldn't it be wiser to agree that you are free to f*ck around as long as it doesn't change the way the couple leads their life? Don't take me wrong, 'cos polyamory doesn't mean that! It's synonymous with 'responsible non-monogamy'.. where all participants know the score.. it isn't about sex.. more about deep, intimate relationships with more than one person.. sure sex can be a part of that, if the rules have been so decided among the people. It's amazing how complicated and yet so simple the idea is :)

One thing that's been bothering me is this: If you live in a polyamorous relationship, how easy is it to begin new intimate relationships? It must depend on the persons in question, I mean, that's self-explanatory(?).. But if you think about this from the standpoint of one's own life: say you've decided with your partner that OK, you and I, we're in a polyamorous relationship.. we're free to date other people, maybe even have sex with them.. but remember to use a condom or other type of protection! How do you meet people who'll understand that you're not cheating your partner and they're OK with you being with who(m)ever? If you live in a closed surrounding or are thinking about someone from where you both might work.. maybe their friends.. aren't they going to shun you? If know that person, they're in a relationship with someone I know.. *cold shivers down the spine*

I don't know.. you tell me.. :) fortunately, I've got the benefit of not being polyamorous (at the time.. don't know about the future, 'cos the idea intrigues me, even though I like the girl I've been with for more than six months(?) and I'm with as long as she doesn't dump me. The other thing is that I don't know too many women who'd even be interested in me.. 'cos I'm with someone.. and they'd only get a guy who knows a thing or two about the female anatomy.. so basically just sex and friendship.. and love, but not the kind of love I have for my significant other. You can love many people, but be IN love with one person? How does that work in polyamorous situations? I don't think love is something you can count.. it certainly isn't a count(able) noun.. there's 'love' and 'the love'.. but not 'a love' or 'many loves'..? Therefore love isn't something you could stock and run out of.. you can fall in or out of love.. but it isn't like bread or something that runs out.. The fact that you love your friends doesn't mean you couldn't love your partner.. so why would the one relationship exclude the possiblity of being in love with someone else?

The thing that makes it harder to have many relationships is time.. and space.. you can only BE in one place and time.. unless you've cloned yourself or are schizophrenic or something.. and even then, your body is in one place and your mind somewhere else.. That's possible and occurs in everyday life.. think of the times you've been listening to someone really boring prattling about their personal problems or their spouses healt issues.. and you go into your happy place.. or think about the grocery list..

But I think that's enough prattle from my part.. :) Oh yeah, unless, I haven't said it here on Facebook, I'm moving in together with Aino.. we'll move at the end of this month or the beginning of May and I don't know when we get the Internet connection working in the new apartment.. it should be simple as we're moving to a place owned by the same firm

~O~

luin sit Prozac Nationin.. aiemmin nähny sen leffana.. Elizabeth Wurtzel on mun idoli, koska hän osaa kuvata millaista on olla masentunut..

pitäis varmaan toi huopiksen haaste ottaa vastaan:

HAASTE:

Paljastan viisi omituista tapaani/piirrettäni. Tämän jälkeen valitsen seuraavat viisi ihmistä, jotka haastan tekemään saman perästä (paljastamaan viisi outoa tapaansa omaan päiväkirjaansa). Heidän tulee myös kirjoittaa nämä säännöt merkintäänsä. Linkitän haastamani ihmiset tämän merkinnän loppuun ja käyn ilmoittamassa heidän kommenttilaatikkoihinsa haasteesta ja tästä merkinnästä.

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1. En usko yksiavioisuuteen.. ajatus siitä, että ihmisen tulisi elää koko loppuelämänsä rakastuneena vain yhteen ihmiseen ei vaan kuulosta minusta a) todenmukaiselta b) todennäköiseltä tai c) sellaiselta, johon minä voisin uskoa. Tämä ei minusta kuitenkaan ole peräisin siitä, että haluaisin mahdollisimman monta kumppania tai suunnittelisin haaremin perustamista. Tällä hetkellä olen kiintynyt yhteen naiseen enkä haluaisi elää ilman häntä.. en sano 'rakastunut', koska en tiedä mitä se enää tarkoittaa.

2. Olen mestari kaksijakoisuudessa: olen kaikessa erilainen eri ihmisille.. puhun/käyttäydyn/tunnen eri tavalla päivästä ja tilanteesta riippuen. Kuitenkaan tätä piirrettä eivät kaikki huomaa.

3. Jostain syystä ihmiset pitävät minusta, vaikken itse pidä itsestäni.

4. Näen kummallisia unia, usein eroottisia sellaisia kavereistani ja usein jopa vihamiehistäni.. olen alitajuisesti siis mieshuora? :D

5. Kaikesta negatiivisuudestani huolimatta pidän ystävistäni todella paljon ja tekisin heidän vuoksensa mitä vaan voisin (taidoistani ja kyvyistäni riippuen tietysti)

Haastetut:
{-Beldaran-}
Koboi
nebo
Griffin_
boyTiger

..jotka voi jopa pitää:
aion juoda liikaa.. suututtaa ystäväni.. sanoa ilkeästi rakkaimmalleni.. masentua, koska ihmiset ovat perseestä.. ja koska olen itse myös ihminen..

huomenna menen Lappeenrantaan tyttiksen luo.. <3

sain shottiruletin.. and there was much rejoicing. wheeyyyy!
tämän lisäksi perussettii eli suklaatia, pari dvd-leffaa ja Liekin uus cd. alennusmyynnist sit lisää lahjoja
:) ainakin olkalaukun saan.. mikä onkin hyvä, koska tuo EF-reppu on aika hajalla xD