IRC-Galleria

20 minuuttia kävelin keskustaa kohti ja sitten tuli, en halua, ei kiinnosta *long winded fart* ja kävelin takas kotii.
Problema?
Itekseen se into vaan katoaa. No, jos sitä keskiyön mettäreissun tekis kuitenki. Vaikkei tähän vuodenaikaa oo kauheesti lintuja sirkuttamassa tai ötököitä härnäämässä.

10-20p - Nössö
20-30p - Outo
30-40p - Välttävä
40-50p - Pissis
50-60p - Ihan cool
60-70p - Pahis
70p tai enemmän - Nuorisorikollinen

(1) Maistanut tupakkaa
() Polttanut vakituisesti
() Kokeillut huumeita
() Käyttänyt huumeita säännöllisesti
() Käyttänyt nuuskaa
(2) Pöllinyt yli vitosen edestä
() Pöllinyt yli satasen edestä
(3) Haukkunut opettajia selän takana
() Haukkunut opettajia päin naamaa
() Väärentänyt nimikirjoituksen
(4) Ollut jälki-istunnossa
() Ollut yli kuudessa jälki-istunnossa
(5) Juonut/maistanut alkoholia
(6) Juhlinut yllämainitulla tavalla
(7) Varastanut rahaa
() Ollut opettajan puhutelussa
() Ollut rehtorin puhuttelussa
() Rikkonut koulun sääntöjä rangaistukseen asti (rajamaasto oli kiva kattoo läpi... *angel halo*)
() Soittanut pilapuheluita
() Saanut rikosrekisterin
() Hulluna yhteen poikaan
() Pettänyt tyttö-/poikaystävääsi
() Tullut petetyksi
() Häiriköinyt suurta tapahtumaa
() Päässyt rikkeilläsi lööppeihin
() Lukenut salaa jonkun viestejä
() Lukenut salaa jonkun päiväkirjaa
() Heittänyt ihmistä kivellä
() Uhannut jotain puukolla
() Rakastunut varattuun
() Levittänyt juorua
(8) Pukeutunut mustaan
(9) Valehdellut vanhemmillesi (Valkoset lasketaa? Olin niin pieni ja vaan niin pienet rikkeet...)
() Katsonut tv:stä/ elokuvista jotain salaa jota et saisi
(10) Katsonut alaikäisenä K15 elokuvia
(11)Katsonut alaikäisenä K18 elokuvia
(12) Leikkinyt sytkärillä
() Sytyttänyt tahallisesti tulipalon
() Harrastanut nettiseksiä
() Raiskannut
() Rikkonut lakia
() Joutunut tarkkikselle - koulussa
(13) Kävellyt päin punaisia
() Meikannut
() Leikellyt hiuksiasi ilman lupaa (< Mikä helvetin kysymys tää on? x,D )
(14) Yrittänyt /tehnyt lävistystä itse (ei liikkeessä)(En itse itse, mutta en liikkeessäkää ollu)
() Kuunnellut musiikkia lähes korvien räjähtämispisteisellä volyymillä
(15) Tappanut (Monta mosquitoa...)
() Ampunut aseella
() Puukottanut
() Soittanut seksilinjalle
() Matkustanut jäniksenä
() Liftannut tuntemattomilla
(16) Ollut käyttämättä kypärää
() Käynyt salaa perheen viina/viini/ym. pulloilla
(17) Pihistänyt joltain karkkia huomaamatta
(18) Oksentanut alkoholin vuoksi
(19) Syönyt tupakan sisukset että tulisit kipeäksi
() Saiko yllämainittu asia sinut innostumaan?
() Ollut häirikkö (koulussa, kotona, jossain juhlassa)
(20) Haahuillut kaupungilla ilman kunnon syytä
(21) Lyönyt jonkun silmän mustaksi (En mutta kassit potkassu siniseksi)
() Lähettänyt pilakirjeitä
() Valehdellut ikäsi
(22) Ollut poliisiautossa (Kiertoajelu ^^)
() Käyttänyt bikineitä
() Kuvannut tiettyjä elimiäsi
(23) Tanssinut rock tansseja
() Koputellut oviin ja häipynyt paikalta
() Huudellut rivoja ohikulkijoille
(24) Floodannut
() stripannut
(25) Ärsyttänyt tositarkoituksella
() Saanut kuulla olevani huora/lutka
(26) Haukkunut jotain päin naamaa
() Piirrellyt seiniin yleisellä paikalla
() Haukkunut opettajaa niin, että tämä on sattunut kuulemaan
() Hölissyt tunneilla
(27) Puhunut pahaa selän takana (No jos oon haukkunu opettajaa selän takana, goes here?)
(28) Saanut jonkun itkemään
() Kokeillut spiritismiä
()Ajanut mopoa alaikäisenä
() Hakannut jonkun sairaalaan
() Piirrellyt pienenä salaa seinille
() "Parturoinut" kaveriasi
(29) Rikkonut jotain tarkoituksella
(30) Heittänyt jotain jollakin (Lumipallolla *so badass*)
(31) Lyönyt
() Repinyt jotain hiuksista
(32) Piilottanut joltain jotakin
() Jäänyt kiinni virkavallalle kielletyn esineen/asian hallussapidosta
() Lukenut kauhukirjoja
() Imenyt imurilla ihoa ja väittänyt fritsuiksi
(33) Mennyt salaa jonnekin...

As in the bull that drives forward regardless the odds, strenght
Self righteousness
Arrogance

As in the lion that holds the pride from everything, strenght
Self righteousness
Arrogance

As in the eagle giving keen and deep sight, intellect
Arrogance
Pride

As in the snake holding backside security and venom, cunning
Arrogance
Secure
________________________________

No matter how I deny it, no matter how I spin it around, no matter where I go, no matter the situation, it just is the aura I carry... It is the very thing that keeps me alive. The bull refuses to die... Lion takes pride in waking up to next sunrise. Snake grants immunity to poisons for its venom dominates over. The eagle sees the future and gives them all certainty about future. Maybe the only way is to be hit by a goddamn freight train.
Snake and bull can manage the life alone. Lion can wander around looking a pack for a time. The eagle however... Gets sad, desperate over time, like a bald eagle... For they seek a mate for life. They may get, suicidal, lose their will to live.
But lucky me (trying to sound sarcastic here). The snake can provide the bull and lion the pain they desire at times in order to remind why they're alive. Enraging these things. And as the time passes they cool down and are not so eager to fight all the time.
It is funny how you want everything to finish, but you're yourself's own worst enemy at everything. Unless all the 4 are pleased with the result.
No matter how humble and modest I live. No matter how eager I am to help someone I know. The pride, the arrogance. It just. Shines. And for that I get spit on. I hate my own kin and spit on them. I want to blend in, but I can't. Snake gave me ability to hide. So I kinda abuse it.
I hate myself and I don't.
I would love to get thrown in the void, but I can't do it myself. If my life was threatened I would probably snap the neck of the one(s) who tried even though I wanted otherwise. Well this I don't know as 'cause of the fact that goddess' have never put me on such a real test. But I know as this far. I'm unable to use my own claws against myself.
_____________________________________

~Since the sword isn't given someone to serve. It continues to drain its owner. Engraved with the self destructive pattern. It seeks servitude. Cursed.~

Bobin viimenen hetki muistojensa kanssa. BAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Millonkoha oisin ollu näin liikuttunu viimeks...

Ja yks hyvä tyylii pelkäs hiilihydraatti ruuas... Jos sen tekee oikein, maustaa hyvin, sitä voi vaan syödä, syödä, syödä, syödä ja syödä... Koska joka kolmen tunnin välei tulee nälkä.

~
"The other angels won't let you..!"
"Are you sure? You'd bet on anyone Castiel? They're soldiers, they weren't built for freedom they were built to follow"
~

I burst in tears and laughter... For when I really question my being from my very heart... Radio replies...



I'm fighting with far greater beings than m'self... Yet my desire to win drives me against all the odds... Even though, if you asked in a different situation... Where there would be 20 men against 100, I'd tell everyone to go home if the personal statistics of everyone wouldn't say they could take out 5 each... Maybe I just think I have nothing to lose... How to fly when you're chained on the ground?



Why did you want me to be there yesterday?
You changed my destiny
Controlled by the moon.
"If I would have known, if I would have been there for you my baby, for you."
(I tried to change my mind
But you're a drug being injected into the back on my head
You are my destiny what part of that don't you understand)

[Chorus:]
Black and blue, I bled for you.
Still dare to tell me what to do.
Synthetic angel with a human heart
You dragged me down for one last time,
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.
But after sunrise I'll turn to stone.

My proposition is unconditional and it ends tonight.
Need a body to exploit.
"I try to keep my cool but your frozen skin is magnetic to me, hold on."

[Chorus]

(Our two hearts know where it's raining sulphur clouds
The gates are open wide it's too late for sacrifice
Checkmate, last call and we're going down)

[Chorus]

Yeah, yeah.

And now I'm caught in a web,
Visions in my head.
Truth is calling me, I'm searching for myself.
And now I'm caught in a web,
Visions in my head.
Truth is calling me, I'm searching for myself.
Let go.

[Chorus x2]

Again I feel like I don't want to sleep

At first it felt like just a normal idealistic series of dreams

I had a funeral office with my brother and our marketing ticket was...

We were able to take over the dead body

So that people were able to say their last goodbyes

We wouldn't create soul connection a body that was dead for over 36 hours

In simple you loan your soul's strength to keep the body moving

The original person is still there and able to talk, the last moments can be made "happy" and then we just turn off the switch

The business ran without any problems

However... The second dream...

When you get a client you once knew and loved... It turned to a nightmare...

We had her body in our custody the timeline was about to close up...

But because of personal feelings I said we can pull this off...

My brother did the connection...

The first 3 hours of visits and goodbyes went alright...

Next 2 hours she started to show confusion and disarray about her being...

We headed back to kill the soul connection...

Gave her to have her last hot shower...

Then she said she felt cold, bad...

I thought I'd get to have my chance say goodbye too but...

This time I would have to do it cold and professionally...

The shower drain was all covered in blood

Her skin cells had deteriorated so much it didn't hold any liquid inside

She screamed she felt cold

This is what we were always afraid that would happen when a body goes overtime

And when you know your once loved would leave this world terrified and mentally ruined

This isn't why our office was founded

Unprofessionally I...

Told her to ignore it all and she would be at rest after she would sit down in front of my brother and listen 2 sentences...

I

Kissed her even though it had myself covered in blood and possibly I could get sick but...

I don't know... She was quiet after that...

Sat down and had us finish the ritual...

And I woke up crying... Something good can turn to a personal nightmare... I wish I could break away from need to sleep. I never know when a dream like that is supposed to be a random dream or is it supposed to tell me something... Neither awake, nor asleep seems to be safe...
The funny thing however, I remember this dream from very far away from my past, but that time I she hadn't been part of my life... Now the dream hurts... And the realization what the dream possibly meant back then... It hurts even more...
Why didn't that dream show up when it would've helped me to stay away... Why didn't that dream show up so nothing would've ever even started... The useless effort... If the outcome was always to be the same...
Goddess' why do you toy around with me...

What use are these dreams if they only tell the tale of sad tomorrow... What is the use of existing when your sword isn't allowed to serve...
When you have none to serve and live for...

The dreams only show that I'll be alive tomorrow and the day after that...
They warn of a change...

Yet... I doubt...
Any of it would lead to better...
And I doubt...
If I ever will be use to anyone...
If I ever can make a change...
In this twin faced society...

~So if I'm not allowed to die and ascend to you, am I supposed to wait for you to descend, goddess?
"When the war of the beasts brings about the worlds end, the goddess descends from the sky... her gift everlasting."~

Take the time just to listen
When the voices screaming are much too loud
Take a look in the distance
Try and see it all

Chances are that ya might find
That we share a common discomfort now
I feel I'm walking a fine line
Tell me only if it's real

Still I'm on my way
On and on it goes
Vacant hope to take

[Chorus]
Hey I can't live in here for another day
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold onto faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And it seems I've been buried alive

I walked the fields through the fire
Taking steps until I found solid ground
Followed dreams reaching higher
Couldn't survive the fall
Much has changed since the last time
And I feel a little less certain now
You know I jumped at the first sign
Tell me only if it's real

Memories seem to fade
On and on it goes
Wash my view away

[Chorus]
Hey I can't live in here for another day
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold onto faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And I'm chained like a slave
Trapped in the dark
Slammed all the locks
Death calls my name
And it seems I've been buried alive

Take you down now
Burn it all out
Throw you all around
Get your fucking hands off me
What's it feel like?
Took the wrong route
Watch it fall apart
Now you're knockin' at the wrong gate

For you to pay the toll
A price for you alone
The only deal you'll find
I'll gladly take your soul

While it seems sick
Sober up quick
Psycho lunatic
Crushing you with hands of fate
Shame to find out when it's too late
But you're all the same
Trapped inside inferno awaits

Evil thoughts can hide
I'll help release the mind
I'll peel away the skin
Release the dark within

This is now your life
Strike you from the light
This is now your life
Die buried alive [X2]

This is now your life
Die buried alive

____________________________________

So I lost the will to do anything, no expectations for tomorrow or the day after. No will to continue anything. I literally just breathe and exist for some reason that is unknown to me. No purpose.

I've tried
Drowning...
Painkiller overdose...
Nicotine overdose...
Overheat by sleeping in sauna...
Asphyxiation...
Castor oil plant seeds...
Falling asleep in snow outside...

Nicotine and castor oil plant seeds were supposed to be the "secure" way to death. Seeds made me vomit for a week.
The nicotine in juice didn't even taste, I just felt the burn as I drank the juice. My body held it for few minutes and I didn't even feel anything. I just threw it all up.
Falling asleep in snow? Well I woke up almost frozen and automatically walked back home from the forest. I couldn't even control myself. It was like being in trance. Only core functions available in your body.
Asphyxiation, I woke up with the bag torn apart, pieces of plastic everywhere.
Sauna had toned down to 30*C or so...
Painkillers? Vomit.
As I tried drowning, just before passing out it felt like my father would've carried me ashore.

Goddess' why torture a soul so much... A soul that exists without a purpose... Is this hell on earth? You don't want your puppet to be with you? Why have I've been given invulnerability for nothing. I should already be dead according to calculations, yet my pulse is running strong.
____________________________________

~"Even if the morrow is barren of promises... Nothing shall forestall... My return."~